Noah is by far one of the most popular figures in the Bible, and deservingly so. Without Noah, the Great Flood would have killed every living thing, and God would have had to make another Adam and Eve from scratch, and at that point God was so mad at people that he may have just scratched the whole idea of humans altogether. He also would have to make all of the animals again, and that seems like an awful lot of work. Noah’s loyalty to God is quite admirable, especially since God asked Noah to do so much work. But, Noah’s accomplishments go far beyond the story of the Ark. The following are the 5 greatest accomplishments that Noah achieved during Genesis 5-9 (ranked in order of least impressive to most impressive.)

5. Noah Dies at the age of 950

WAY back in the day, people use to live to be like 900 years old. I don’t know why, but it wasn’t like some freak thing, like everyone did. Also, from what I gather, people didn’t typically have kids until they were like in their 300’s. I am pretty sure I was born in the wrong era, because I totally would have a kid when I am 350 years old. Why the hell not?

Anyway, Noah was no exception. He was around 500 when he had his 3 sons, around 600 when the floods came, and around 950 when he died. But what makes Noah so special is that he is known as the last guy that lived to be nearly a thousand years old. After Noah died, the life spans drops significantly, and people only live to be around 120 years old. This is mainly because God got real pissed that men started lusting over women and the general behavior of human being, what with all the fighting and all. So he decided to put a cap on how long they were going to live. I guess everyone was real bad back in Noah’s time, and God was so mad at everyone that he decided to clean them all out and start again with nice guy Noah and his family.

4. Noah Found A Lot of Animals.

 

Not only did Noah find a male and female of every animal, but he had the skills needed to lead them onto an ark. That is crazy. I lost a cat one time, and I couldn’t find it in my own backyard. This guy finds a male and female of every animal and successfully convinces them to line up in an orderly fashion (this is what I am imagining anyway. There is no proof of it being orderly in the Bible) and keep them all from killing each other while they are on the Great Flood cruise for over a year. Impressive indeed, Noah.

3. Noah Lived on the Ark for Over a Year.

 

If you have ever been on a cruise, you may know that spending over a week on the water is just long enough, any longer and you would not only become homesick for dry land, but you would also probably throw your loved ones overboard seeing as you are physically unable to get away from them for more than a few minutes time. In addition to this, your resources are limited, and it is only a matter of time before you run out of supplies. It rained for 4o days and 40 nights, and then it took a long time for Noah and his posse to be able to return to dry land. God made sure that Noah took enough food for himself, his family, and all the animals for their entire time on the ark. And here I am, too lazy to cook dinner.
Not only was Noah floating around with thousands of animals, but he was forced to take his wife, 3 boys, and 3 daughters-in-law with him. Imagine being on an ark with only your family for over a year, and tell me that Noah doesn’t deserve all the recognition that he has attained over the years, simply for not jumping overboard.

2. Noah Builds the Ark

 

It is said to have taken Noah around 15o years to build the ark. God gave Noah very specific instructions as to how to build the ark, and Noah paid very careful attention to detail. If Noah decided to cut some corners, the ark would not have been able to survive the torrential storm, and all the animals and his entire family would have drowned with the rest of humanity. It takes a very special person to be able to spend 150 years building something that will be responsible for saving humanity. One time it took me like 4 hours to build a dresser that I bought at Ikea, and although I thought about giving up many times, I was beaming with pride when my work was complete. Luckily Noah had the patience and wearwithal to perform such an important task.

1. Noah Plants a Vineyard, Makes Wine and is Potentially the First Person to Ever Get Drunk

 

After Noah successfully saved the world and the human race, he could have relaxed and lived out the remainder of his 350 years chilling in his tent and watching his sons create what will become the population of all the nations of the world.

But, Noah was an overachiever, and didn’t stop at simply repopulating the universe. He decided to plant, what is known as the first documented vineyard in history. Years after the flood, Noah took to working on a farm. It was during this time that he planted the first vineyard and produced what we now know as wine. (If you read my last Bible related countdown, I know what you’re thinking… and the answer is yes….. Noah is now by far my favorite biblical figure of all time.)

So, one night, Noah drinks way too much wine and passes out in his tent….. NAKED. (If I wasn’t so frightened of so many animals, I would begin to think that I may be Noah reincarnated, but alas, I am terrified of birds, spiders, snakes, reptiles, fish, and many dogs, so I am definitely not Noah. Although I do take after his love of the fermented grape, and the side effects that come with drinking too much of it.)

Now here is the part of Noah’s story that gets a little bizarre. The night that Noah passed out drunk on wine and naked in his tent, one of his sons, Ham, walked in and found him. Ham left the tent and told his two brothers of their dad’s situation. They then went in with a robe, backwards, so they didn’t see their drunk naked dad, and covered him.

When Noah woke up all hungover, he got real pissed at Ham for some unknown reason. Maybe because he didn’t cover him? Nobody really knows, as the Bible does not go into detail about why Noah got so mad. But he was so angry that he put a curse o

n Ham’s son, Ca’Naan, and made him become a servant for his two uncles. He then said how much he loves his two other kids (the ones that covered him,) and hope that they multiply and have amazing lives. It is really uncool of Noah to punish poor Ca’Naan for his dad’s actions, but after planting the first vineyard of all time, Noah can do no wrong in my eyes.

A few hundred years later, Noah died at the ripe age of 950. Now, if everyone can celebrate the life of this great man, and get drunk on wine tonight and pass out naked in their living rooms, it would be very much appreciated.

#RIPNOAH   #ThanksForInventingWine