Tag Archives: The Bachelor

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 5)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner-up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
#20-16 CLICK HERE.
#15-11 CLICK HERE.
#10-6 CLICK HERE.

Continuing to the final 5……

5. Corinne

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Corinne (abc.com)

When asked if Corinne had any tattoos, her response was “Yes, but hidden and are being lasered off, so they are already faded.” My mission: to get to the bottom of what awful, embarrassing tattoos were on Corinne’s body to begin with.

Poor ink choices aside, Corinne seems to be a relatively successful 24-year-old, as she is a business owner, and likens herself to being strong and fierce, like a cheetah. I don’t see any problems on the horizon with a strong, fierce woman living with 29 other woman and dating the same guy. Corinne will be a star this season, but probably for all the wrong reasons.

4. Whitney

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Whitney (abc.com)

Whitney is an incredibly hot 25-year-old Pilates instructor from Chanhassen, MN, wherever the hell that is. If she had to be an animal, she would be an eagle so she could see the world from a different perspective. If she could be anyone else for a day, she would be Gisele Bündchen. And she lives her life with no regrets. Did I mention she is a Pilates instructor?

Whitney seems perfect. The catch, I don’t think she will be as into the process as she needs to be to make it to the end. She will be above all the drama and cattiness and Nick will mistake that for disinterest. Just looking at her picture, you can already tell she is thinking, “what the hell have I gotten myself into.” I’ll love Whitney, America will love Whitney, but sadly, Nick may feel inferior to her and send her packing back to Chanhassen. But not before a private Pilates session, of course.

3. Vanessa

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Vanessa (abc.com)

Like Whitney, Vanessa seems pretty much perfect. What concerns me most about Vanessa, however, is the fact that her biggest fear is hurting people’s feelings.

I predict that Nick will be very into Vanessa, but Vanessa will become best friends with all the girls and feel bad about getting Nick’s attention and bow out. She is a special education teacher, so she is used to putting other people’s needs above hers. She will be able to come across as a role model to all young girls across the country that should absolutely not be watching The Bachelor, while still standing up for what she believes is right. If ABC decides they don’t care if they look racist by not having a minority as the next Bachelorette, and if Nick is stupid enough to let her go, expect Vanessa to be the next Bachelorette in May. And if that’s the case, expect a 2 month-long hiatus from Ryan’s Countdowns when I am trying to break into the Bachelorette 13 mansion.

2. Sarah

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Sarah (abc.com)

Sarah seems like the most real, genuine girl in the bunch. She is super sexy, adventurous (she moved to NYC with just 3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 her,) and she loves to gamble. And I love a girl who loves to gamble.

I’m assuming her answer to the question “what animal would you be” is some type of attempt at humor, because she say “Puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right? :)” I don’t know what the hell that means, but I guess that it is some sort of witty reference to something girly.

Fine, I Googled it and I was right. It, of course, is a reference to The Notebook. How, the hell, did I know.

Anyway, Sarah is my pick for the coolest girl in the bunch, and if Nick doesn’t choose her, expect her to be tearing it up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

1. Kristina

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Kristina. (abc.com)

My season 21 winner pick belongs to the 24-year-old orphan turned Dental Hygienist, Kristina. Abandoned at a young age by her alcoholic biological mother, it is her adoptive parents that Kristina admires most in the world.

She is not afraid of aging, b

ecause “aging is a beautiful thing.”  I think I can speak for everyone when I say, speak for yourself, Kristina.

One of the things that stuck out to me most about Kristina is that her favorite actor is Meryl Streep. Not Hannah Montana, or Britney Spears in Crossroads, or the lady that played the voice of The Little Mermaid; an actual, well-respected, iconic actress. Good for you, Kristina. I hope you and Nick live happily ever after and have a house full of obnoxiously beautiful, charismatic, perfect children.

 

Upon further research, if Kristina could be any fictional character of all time she would be Fiona from Shrek. Not Lady Macbeth, or Jane Eyre, or Scarlett O’Hara, or Daenerys Targaryen, or Nancy Drew, or Athena, or Aphrodite, or Mary Friggin’ Poppins. Fiona, from Shrek. Can somebody please tell these ladies that fictional does not necessarily translate to animated. I give up.

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

30. Hailey, 23 – Photographer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Hailey. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Hailey is definitely not ranked last because she in unattractive, because that is certainly not the case. In fact, none of the ladies are unattractive because if they were, they wouldn’t be on The Bachelor 21. She is ranked last because she has the bitchiest bio picture in 21 seasons of show. Hailey is a photographer, so she must have been well aware of how she looked when taking the picture. She probably even looked at the proofs and said to the photographer, “Let me give you a little bit bitchier.”

Also, when asked by the producers if she was a romantic, her response was, “No. I’m very passionate and can be intense but I’m not into making out all the time and being sang to.” There is less than a zero percent chance that Nick Viall will ever pick a woman that is not romantic. Sure, Hailey easily could have won Juan Pablo’s Bachelor season, but she will only be on this season for the drama. And once the producers have squeezed every last drop of drama out of her, they will allow Nick to dramatically send her home on a two-on-one date (coincidentally being beaten out by her number one rival.)

29. Jaimi, 28 – Chef

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jaimi. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Strikes against Jaimi:

  • Her tattoos are……. “Forever Smiles,” “To Die For,” and get this… a symbol of her initials. Her own initials. Is it just me, or is that very bizarre to have a tattoo of your own initials?
  • When she wants to impress a guy, she bench presses him with her legs. I will bet my life that one of the only shots we see of Jaimi and Nick interacting will be of Jaimi attempting to bench press Nick with her legs on night one. Then of him hugging her goodbye.
  • She refers to herself as a Pesco-Pollo-Lacto-Ovo-Paro-Tarian. And she wonders why she is single.

 

28. Josephine, 24 – Unemployed Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Josephine. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Out of all the contestants, Tori Spelling…… I mean, Josephine looks most like she is heading to the prom. I am no hair and makeup expert, but her hair looks like it took hours to perfect. Good for Josephine that she wants to look good for Nick, but couple her prom hair-do with her over-the-top diamond necklace, and it looks like Josephine will be more concerned with playing dress up than focusing on finding love.

 

27. Ida Marie, 23 – Sales Manager

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Ida Marie. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Ida Marie had absolutely no problem answering the question, “If you could be any fruit or vegetable what would you be?” Her response: “Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine.”

However when asked the arduous question of “What is your favorite book of all time and why?” she was stumped. Her response: “I need to read more books.”

Ida Marie couldn’t even think of one book ever written. Therefore her response to the question “Who is your favorite author?” will not come as a surprise to you… “Again, I need to read more books.”

26. Taylor, 23 – Mental Health Counselor

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Taylor. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Taylor is 23 years old, but looks like she is in high school in her bio pic. And her answer of what she hates when her date does only confirms that she is way too young for Nick. She hates when her date only talks about himself OR only asks about her.

Might I recommend Taylor’s gift to Nick on opening night be a speaker’s staff, which was used by indigenous peoples of aboriginal democracies in order to indicate whose turn it was to be allowed to speak.

A modern day talking stick that may be used in an elementary school classroom to indicate who has to shut the hell up. (photo credit: bgracebullock.com)

 

After patiently awaiting his turn to speak, a Kwakwaka’wakw man is about to spill all the juicy drama going around the tribe now that he has his Speaker’s Staff. (photo credit: Edward J. Curtis)

 

And the nail in the coffin for why she is way too young for Nick is because she says that one of the ways she tries to impress a guy is to “look bomb.” Nick is 36. Does he really want his wife to say she looks bomb? Of course not.

 

25. Alexis, 23 – Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Alexis.     photo credit: abc.com)

 

Alexis looks like she is about to cry  from being forced to smile for the photographer for so long. She looks exactly like I look when I am waiting for a picture to be taken and the person taking my picture is taking way too long to take the damn picture. I can actually hear her saying “Hurry-The-F@*K-UP” just by looking at her picture.

Alexis is 23 years old whose occupation is “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer.” When asked what fictional character she would be, her response was “The Little Mermaid. Who doesn’t want to be a mermaid?” Ummm, I know who doesn’t want to be a mermaid, Alexis…..me! And you know who else…..

THE LITTLE FRIGGIN’ MERMAID HERSELF!

 

24. Briana, 28 – Surgical Unit Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Briana.                 photo credit: abc.com)

 

The reason Briana is ranked so low is because I think she is lying about her entire life. I was 100% convinced that her occupation was going to be “NFL Cheerleader.” Or at least “Former College Cheerleader.” Or “Cheerleading Coach.” Or possibly even “Aspiring NFL Cheerleading Coach.”

But she didn’t mention cheerleading ONE SINGLE TIME in her bio. She didn’t list Bring It On  as her favorite movie. Nor does she mention pom-poms as one of the five things she can’t live without. And she didn’t even mention being a member of the bronze medalists team in the 2010 National Cheer and Dance Competition as her biggest accomplishment to date.

Therefore, she is lying. And Nick doesn’t want, or deserve liars in his life.

23. Jasmine G, 29 – Pro Basketball Dancer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jasmine G. Photo Credit: abc.com)

 

Jasmine G seems like a cool enough girl. But if she wins the lottery, the first thing she would buy would be socks because she can never find them. That means one of two things: either Jasmine G ‘s bedroom is extraordinarily messy, or her bedroom is extraordinarily messy. Get your shit together, Jasmine G.

Additionally, there are two Jasmine’s that look similar, so in order to avoid any confusion, Nick will eliminate one Jasmine very early on and my money is on one-sock Jasmine.

 

22. Dominique, 25 – Restaurant Server

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Dominique. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Dominique has some of the most perfect answers to the stupid questions that ABC thinks has anything to do with finding love. If she had to be an animal, she would be a bird because she loves to travel, and she would be able to see the world. Great answer. If she had to be a fruit, she would be a pineapple because she is hard on the outside and sweet on the inside. Especially great answer if she was trying to be risqué.

Unfortunately, Dominique may be too sweet to stand out from the divas and get lost in the shuffle. Additionally, she is a restaurant server living in L.A. (i.e. she is an aspiring something.) You know what that means: Nick and the other ladies will not be able to help but wonder if she is “there for the right reasons” and Nick will release this bird from her cage and she will be able to spread her wings and fly right back down the road to her LA home.

 

21. Brittany, 26 – Travel Nurse

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Brittany. (Photo credit: abc.com)

Brittany’s answers to her questionnaire must have been so boring that they decided to use the valuable real estate space to include the riveting question of “How much do you like camping?” in her bio. Her response: “A lot! As long as it’s not cold outside.”

Another fascinating question the producers included, “Do you prefer team sports or solo sports and why?” This resulted in the most painfully boring answer you could imagine: “Team: I love some competition and it makes it more exciting and a good time.”

God. Help. Nick.

For Ladies #20-16 Click Here.