This year I have decided to read the Bible every night as part of my Lenten promise. As you probably know, the Bible is extraordinarily difficult to understand, as it was written about 30 million years ago (or something like that) and they spoke very differently back in the day. So I have decided to make it my Christian duty to summarize my nightly readings and create easy-to-read countdowns highlighting what I deem to be the most important/interesting parts of the scripture.

First of all, I get it. You have a lot of responsibilities when you are trying to start a world, and there is little time for having fun and being funny. But, some people were just much cooler than others, plain and simple. And this leads me to my first Bible related countdown: Ranking the 6 main characters in the first 4 chapters of Genesis based on how cool they are.

6. Eve

(photo credit: 123rf.com)

Not only did Eve eat the ONLY THING that God asked her not to eat, but she also made her husband eat it too. And all because the Serpent told her it was ok? Why the hell would she listen to the Serpent, first of all? Second of all, she tried to blame the Serpent when God caught her and was pissed at her, which is ridiculous. I understand that God was probably very intimidating, but have some dignity and take the punishment like a woman rather than trying to pin the blame on the Serpent.

For fear of sounding sexist due to the fact that I ranked the only woman on the countdown last, I took the poll to the streets. I interviewed Ms. Rebecca Gallucci*, catholic school college graduate, and self-proclaimed “sporadic Bible reader”, and asked her for her opinion on Eve.

“She ruined it for all of us” says Gallucci, referring to Eve’s moment of weakness. Gallucci later went on to say…

“Had Eve not eaten that apple, we all could be having a blast in the Garden of Eden right now, instead of here at work.”

Gallucci, brings up a valid point. What if Eve hadn’t eaten of the forbidden fruit? Would we all be living blissfully frolicking in paradise, or would some other weak-minded person stroll along. INTERESTING FACT: There has not been a mother that has not been a buzzkill since Eve. She really started an awfully annoying trend that has lasted for a gazillion years.

5. Cain

(Here is a photo of Cain murdering his bro. I believe this is right around the time that the polaroid camera was invented. While the actual photographer in unknown, the image came from bible.wikia.com)

Cain is known as the first murderer of all time, but is still ranked a notch higher than his buzzkill mother. Cain sucks not only because he killed his bro, but he also because he couldn’t do anything right. When God was hungry, Cain brought him fruit. Come on, Cain. When GOD is hungry he needs something a little more substantial than a few pieces of fruit.

Eventually God made Cain leave the Garden of Eden and just walk around in the desert. He also put a curse on Cain that nobody could ever kill him, and if they did, God would kill that person and seven of their family members. God hated Cain so much that he didn’t want to give him the pleasure of dying. And if God hates you that much, you really must be a complete jerk. I wonder if Cain is still walking around in the desert somewhere? Hopefully I find out what happened to him in the next few chapters. The suspense is killing me.

4. God

(OMG! photo credit: almightygod.wordpress.com)

God was a complete superstar the first 2 chapters of Genesis. He made the Earth, and Heaven, and the Sea, and every animal of all time, and the sun and moon and stars, and a bunch of other stuff. Then he rested for a day, which is totally awesome. There is nothing I love more than a good day of resting.
Then a fully rested God mustered up the strength to make Adam out of dirt and dust, which is incredibly impressive. I can’t even make a stick figure out of Play Doh, but I digress.
My confusion about God comes in chapter 3 and involves the forbidden fruit. If God didn’t want them to eat it so bad, why put it there? Why not put the tree somewhere else? And why make it so tempting? I feel as though there was a bit of foul play on God’s part. He basically set Eve and Adam up for failure, which is not cool.
This doesn’t negate the fact that God gave them everything else, which was so nice of him, but it is kind of equivalent to parents taking their children on a vacation to Orlando and saying to them “we can go wherever we want in Orlando, but we can not go to Disney World. And the kids have a great time at Universal Studios, and visiting Hard Rock Cafes for dinner, and playing mini-golf at one of the many miniature golf courses in Orlando. But, the parents always drive them past the Magic Kingdom, and Epcot, and Hollywood Studios, and the Animal Kingdom and let their children have a good look at how amazing it is and how much fun all the children are having. But the parents keep telling them, whatever you do, don’t EVER go to Disney World, but feel free to visit the Orlando Museum of Art, or the Orlando Fairgrounds Flea Market. And then, one day, after years of being told they can not go to Disney World, they see a mouse, and the mouse ACTUALLY TALKS TO THEM and it says to the children that their parents told him that it was OK for them to go to Disney World today, so the mouse will pick them up in an hour. So, the kids go to Disney World. And then their parents find out they went to Disney World, and they get pissed and then they say they can never go on any vacations ever again. Then the kids are like, “thanks a lot mouse, you got us in trouble, and now we can never do anything fun ever again.”

Is that the children’s fault? Or is it the parents fault? And that is why God is ranked at number 4. I am sure he will make a few more appearances in the story and will improve on the rankings, but for now, I am still a little bit bitter that he kept the forbidden tree so close to Adam and Eve.

3. The Serpent

(photo credit: searchforbibletruths.blogspot.com)

If God was mad at Eve and Adam, he was really, really mad at the Serpent. I actually feel a bit bad for the Serpent. I am a huge fan of playing pranks and joking around with people. The Serpent probably thought that there was absolutely NO WAY that Eve would be stupid enough to believe him that it was alright to eat the apple. Because really, why would she believe the Serpent over the word of God?
So, the Serpent decided to play a little joke on Eve and tell her that God said it was okay to eat the apple. He was probably in shock that she actually ate the apple, and ruined eternity for every single human being of all time.

If I was having a great time at a bar with my friends, but one of my friends had to leave to go to work, I would probably go to the bathroom and call my friend that had to leave from my cell phone. I would use a fake, funny, voice with a ridiculous accent and pretend that I was his or her boss and tell them that they didn’t have to come in to work today, and that they can stay at the bar and continue to have fun with their friends. Now, if my stupid friend didn’t see my number come up on caller ID, and if he was dumb enough to not be able to tell that it was drunk me on the other end of the phone, I would not feel that bad if he didn’t go to work, and ended up getting fired. A joke is a joke, and I feel as though the Serpent was just trying to have a little bit of fun with Eve. (Yes, I am saying that if I was born 925 million years ago, I would probably have been the funny Serpent that made that idiot Eve ruin the world.)

2. Abel

(Able, being murdered. photo credit: shepherdproject.com)

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD:…………….. Abel dies.

I feel so bad for Abel. As a younger brother myself, I can totally relate to what it was probably like to have a brother like Cain. The above picture could easily be a still frame of my brother and I at any point from 1985-1997 and I was always the only lying down, just like Abel. My older brother was above me, squeezing my arm so hard, and inflicting pain to my sensitive wrists. Luckily my brother loves me way more than Cain loved Abel, and he never murdered me, only beat me up occasionally. Love you, brother, and thanks for never murdering me. XOXOXO
Abel also gave God Lamb when God was hungry, unlike his useless brother that just gave God some dirty fruit.

I am always shocked at how soon Abel gets killed off, and wish we got to see more of him. I am, however, confident that Abel is up there in Heaven and smiling down on younger brothers everywhere. Thanks Abe

1. Adam

(Adam, eating the non-forbidden fruit before Eve shows up and ruins his life. photo credit: bibleversesabout.org)

I am aware of the fact that Adam ate the apple too, but it was not until Eve asked him to, and had already eaten the apple herself. He probably figured, “well, we are totally screwed anyway, so I might as well have a few bites.”
I feel bad for Adam. He was killing it before his wife arrived. He got to name every living creature, which is awesome. Although, if that were my job, I would have tried to come up with much funnier names so that everyone always had to say that name when they were talking about that animal for the rest of time. Like instead of cow, I would have named it zingschwak or something. I loved what he did with Emus. It is such a fun word to say, and I wish that he used more words like that. He also nailed platypus. How can the same guy that came up with emu, platypus, and porcupine, also come up with ant, dog, and bird. He must have run out of funny names, I suppose.
Anyway, Adam was put into a deep sleep by God, so God could take out one of his ribs to create his awful wife, Eve. This must have been the best, deepest sleep ever. I am imagining it must have been like one of my sleeps when I take a full cup of Nyquil and then a little extra sip out of the bottle, but I will never know for sure.
We all owe a great deal to Adam for being our greatest great grandfather of all time, and for putting up with Eve for so many years.

Funniest line:

“And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.”

Can we please make it a thing to start saying “they knew each other” instead of saying “they did it.”

There is nothing I want to say more than “I know who you knew last summer.”

NEXT UP: Genesis 5-8 (We are going to meet Noah, and it is going to rain for like 300,000 years.)

* A special shout-out to contributor Rebecca Gallucci. To hear more about her hatred of Eve, or to hear what she has to say about being healthy visit her blog at thehauteholistic.com

If you would like to be interviewed for a Bible related countdown, or would like to share your favorite Genesis 1-4 star, contact me at rjacob21@gmail.com or leave a comment below.

SEE ALSO: Top 5 Reason Why Noah is Such a Stud