It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner-up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
#20-16 CLICK HERE.
#15-11 CLICK HERE.
#10-6 CLICK HERE.

Continuing to the final 5……

5. Corinne

When asked if Corinne had any tattoos, her response was “Yes, but hidden and are being lasered off, so they are already faded.” My mission: to get to the bottom of what awful, embarrassing tattoos were on Corinne’s body to begin with.

Poor ink choices aside, Corinne seems to be a relatively successful 24-year-old, as she is a business owner, and likens herself to being strong and fierce, like a cheetah. I don’t see any problems on the horizon with a strong, fierce woman living with 29 other woman and dating the same guy. Corinne will be a star this season, but probably for all the wrong reasons.

4. Whitney

Whitney is an incredibly hot 25-year-old Pilates instructor from Chanhassen, MN, wherever the hell that is. If she had to be an animal, she would be an eagle so she could see the world from a different perspective. If she could be anyone else for a day, she would be Gisele Bündchen. And she lives her life with no regrets. Did I mention she is a Pilates instructor?

Whitney seems perfect. The catch, I don’t think she will be as into the process as she needs to be to make it to the end. She will be above all the drama and cattiness and Nick will mistake that for disinterest. Just looking at her picture, you can already tell she is thinking, “what the hell have I gotten myself into.” I’ll love Whitney, America will love Whitney, but sadly, Nick may feel inferior to her and send her packing back to Chanhassen. But not before a private Pilates session, of course.

3. Vanessa

Like Whitney, Vanessa seems pretty much perfect. What concerns me most about Vanessa, however, is the fact that her biggest fear is hurting people’s feelings.

I predict that Nick will be very into Vanessa, but Vanessa will become best friends with all the girls and feel bad about getting Nick’s attention and bow out. She is a special education teacher, so she is used to putting other people’s needs above hers. She will be able to come across as a role model to all young girls across the country that should absolutely not be watching The Bachelor, while still standing up for what she believes is right. If ABC decides they don’t care if they look racist by not having a minority as the next Bachelorette, and if Nick is stupid enough to let her go, expect Vanessa to be the next Bachelorette in May. And if that’s the case, expect a 2 month-long hiatus from Ryan’s Countdowns when I am trying to break into the Bachelorette 13 mansion.

2. Sarah

Sarah seems like the most real, genuine girl in the bunch. She is super sexy, adventurous (she moved to NYC with just 3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 her,) and she loves to gamble. And I love a girl who loves to gamble.

I’m assuming her answer to the question “what animal would you be” is some type of attempt at humor, because she say “Puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right? :)” I don’t know what the hell that means, but I guess that it is some sort of witty reference to something girly.

Fine, I Googled it and I was right. It, of course, is a reference to The Notebook. How, the hell, did I know.

Anyway, Sarah is my pick for the coolest girl in the bunch, and if Nick doesn’t choose her, expect her to be tearing it up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

1. Kristina

My season 21 winner pick belongs to the 24-year-old orphan turned Dental Hygienist, Kristina. Abandoned at a young age by her alcoholic biological mother, it is her adoptive parents that Kristina admires most in the world.

She is not afraid of aging, b

ecause “aging is a beautiful thing.”  I think I can speak for everyone when I say, speak for yourself, Kristina.

One of the things that stuck out to me most about Kristina is that her favorite actor is Meryl Streep. Not Hannah Montana, or Britney Spears in Crossroads, or the lady that played the voice of The Little Mermaid; an actual, well-respected, iconic actress. Good for you, Kristina. I hope you and Nick live happily ever after and have a house full of obnoxiously beautiful, charismatic, perfect children.

 

Upon further research, if Kristina could be any fictional character of all time she would be Fiona from Shrek. Not Lady Macbeth, or Jane Eyre, or Scarlett O’Hara, or Daenerys Targaryen, or Nancy Drew, or Athena, or Aphrodite, or Mary Friggin’ Poppins. Fiona, from Shrek. Can somebody please tell these ladies that fictional does not necessarily translate to animated. I give up.