Take a deep breath, break out your box of wine, and open up that fresh box of Puffs Plus Lotion Facial Tissues, Bachelor Nation, your guilty pleasure is back, and this is sure to be the most dramatic season of any show in television history… Just like every other season.
Season 12 of The Bachelorette begins with a new batch of 26 studs vying for the attention of former Bachelor reject, JoJo Fletcher. JoJo was a standout on last season, but let’s face it… she is basically only the bachelorette because Ben told her he loved her and then dumped her the next day. And, perhaps most importantly, because she has controversial brothers that will interrogate the final few poor saps that end up meeting them at the end of JoJo’s journey to find her second true soul mate in a matter of 9 months (third if we count her former real life boyfriend, Chad, who she may or may not still be stringing along just in case this Bachelorette thing doesn’t play out the way she wants it to.)
This season, as with all seasons prior, the batch of men is an uneven mix of roughly 6 serious contenders and 20 loose cannons whose sole purpose will be to get too drunk to attend the first rose ceremony, jump into the pool naked, fight with the guys, “shockingly” get the last rose at the first 5 rose ceremonies, and dress in crazy costumes the first night to gain the attention of JoJo and to make up for the fact that they are complete sociopaths. Hint to all future Bachelor/ette contestants: if you get the final rose at the first rose ceremony, you are going to be portrayed as the nut case that all of America was sure would be eliminated, but the producers make the lead pick you to stick around for a month in order to make you look crazy and make America hate you as much as humanly possible.
So who will win JoJo’s heart for a few months until she gets back with her crazy ex-boyfriend, Chad? Read on to find out who I think has the best chance.
(least likely – most likely)
26. Jonathan
Jonathan is super excited to show off his new shirt, which is part of the Modern Day Pilgrim line by Gap. (photo cred: abc.com)
From the goofy look on Jonathan’s face, he is just happy to be chosen and have his picture taken by ABC. In return, ABC is thankful that Jonathan sent in a casting video, because he helps them look less racist and helps them fill the ethnic quota, without having to worry about him lasting more than one episode.
But, just to be safe, and help make sure that JoJo doesn’t pick him to move into the pad, Jonathan wears his best Scottish Kilt to the opening night meet and greet booze fest. In case you need a visual….
(photo cred: abc.com)
Still happy as a pig in shit, Jonathan will never get a rose, and will leave the mansion without ever letting JoJo play with his bagpipes.
25. Sal
If Sal’s piercing blue eyes and forced smile don’t scream “what the hell am I doing here?, I don’t know what does.
(photo cred: abc.com)
The Bachelor mansion is no place for the timid, and being meek and mild won’t get you past the first rose ceremony. The fact that the most outrageous thing 28 year old Sal has ever done is egg his gym teacher’s house in high school means that he is dead on arrival on premiere night. First of all, if you are still egging anything in high school, you need a complete and immediate revamping of your social life. And if 12 years later, it is still the most outrageous thing you have ever done, you are a complete and utter lost cause.
It actually makes me feel sad for the guy, so I will not make fun of him any further. And I definitely will not mention the fact that he looks like he is talking to the photographer through his teeth (the way a ventriloquist would) saying that if he doesn’t stop taking pictures and let him go to the bathroom, he is going to crap his pants.
24. Brandon
(photo credit: abc.com)
Brandon’s occupation is listed as a “Hipster.” It seems to me that Brandon may have chosen his profession before he knew that he could not grow a hipster beard. A “hipster” that is unable to grow proper facial hair is like a surfer dude unable to stick out his thumb and pinky at the same time, thus preventing them from being able to hang loose.
Prediction: the producers will squeeze every ounce of humor out of Brandon’s “occupation” and make him out to be the most stereotypical hipster in the universe. Then, once the producers have run out of hipster jokes, they will allow JoJo to unceremoniously dump him and send him back to Boulder, CO, or wherever the hell he is from.
23. Evan
Need help getting and keeping an erection? Call Evan, he can help! (photo credit: abc.com)
Evan is stunt casting in its purest form. Just when you think the franchise has found the most ridiculous occupations, here comes Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Expert. I have never met, seen, or even knew Erectile Dysfunction Experts existed, but if I had to envision what one looked like, I would literally envision Evan.
The combination of his hair, goatee, and creepy smile scream “call me if you need help with your erection.”
Prediction: JoJo will pretend she is intrigued by his occupation, but secretly be creeped the hell out, and he will be exiting the house before we get to know all of his keys to a healthy, functional erection.
22. Nick S
Nick S is feeling as confident as ever thanks to his neck bandana that he presumably spent hours rolling and re-rolling until reaching perfection. (photo credit: abc.com)
I do not care how much money you have, how funny you may be, how kind, caring and respectful you are, or how perfectly you can nail the I-don’t-want-to-smile-and-look-like-I-am-excited-but-deep-down-I-am-unbelievably-excited look, if you are a dude, and you roll up a bandana and wear it as some sort of necklace tie, you are the worst person ever.
On the off chance that Nick S doesn’t wear something equally ridiculous on the show, the fact that his greatest accomplishment to date is being an Eagle Scout, will be more than enough to send him packing right away. I pray to the Reality TV gods that he gets eliminated while wearing the bandana-necklace-tie, and then proceeds take it off, unroll it ever so gently, and use it to wipe the tears and snots from his face while being interviewed about what makes him so undesired.
21. Nick B
This is what Nick B looks like when he is not playing dress up. (photo credit: abc.com)
A memorable limo exit is becoming increasingly important on The Bachelorette. But, there is a very fine li
Nick B may have a chance if he ends up being just a funny guy that doesn’t take himself too seriously. But, if JoJo thinks he is there for the screen time, she may get rid of him before he ever gets to even Jo-Jo-Jold…… I mean, ho-ho-hold her hand.
For part 2 click here.