It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

20. Christen

 

Two things in particular jump out at me about Christen. The first is that she is a wedding videographer. That is a great job and all, but I can’t help but imagine she would be a bit of a Bridezilla. Now, speed up the process of getting engaged within about a month of meeting Nick, and I assume some of that Bridezilla would inevitably turn into a girlfriend-zilla; which Nick will certainly not tolerate.

Additionally, she gives about 7 cliches for why she would be a grapefruit if she had to be a fruit. They are fine and all, but she ends with “And you have to peel them back to get to the good stuff.” Christen, why can’t you just give me your good stuff? Why do I have to peel shitty stuff away first? Ain’t nobody got time to peel away your grapefruit skin when there are 29 other ladies that have already peeled off theirs: especially Nick Viall.

19. Michelle

 

 

On paper, Michelle seems like she is damn near perfect. She is pretty, has very well worded, thought out answers to the painfully ridiculous questions that ABC asked her, and at the age of 24, she owns her own food truck. She doesn’t just work on a food truck like some of the more awful contestants on Hell’s Kitchen, she owns that shit.

The thing about Michelle, however, is that she may not be able to stand out from the rest of the ladies and I fear she may be eliminated before Nick even has time to ask her what kind of houseplant she would be if she had to be a houseplant. Because I am pretty sure that she would have a perfect answer that would knock his socks off his presumably beautifully manicured feet.

18. Elizabeth

 

Strap in folks, we may have a crazy one on our hands. ABC pulled out the big guns when they reached into their bag of nonsensical questions for Elizabeth. The best:

Q: “Do you have any phobias that would prohibit participation in certain activities? (heights, claustrophobia, crowds, darkness, OCD, etc.)”

Elizabeth’s answer: “Claustrophobia and Misophonia – it’s a real thing. Look it up on Google!”

Look at that, Elizabeth is already bossing us around and making us look up shit on google rather than just telling us what the hell misophonia is. But fear not, I being the professional countdown expert that I am, took it upon myself to find out what asinine phobia Elizabeth thought would get her on the show. Her fear: Sound.

My prediction: ABC will make Nick keep Elizabeth until at least week two so he can take her on his first one-on-one to a Disneyland Fireworks Spectacular or something like that, where Nick will be a hero and cover her ears with his perfectly masculine, but not too masculine hands.

Then she will be shown the door in week three and will be terrified of her own sobbing while waiting for her limo to arrive.

17. Danielle L

 

Danielle’s 3 favorite movies are The Notebook, Love Actually, and A Walk To Remember

Danielle’s favorite book of all time is The 5 Languages of Love! When asked why this is her favorite book, her response was “Discover yourself, your relationship needs. It’s beneficial in all relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers).”

While I have no doubt that Danielle L is on this reality show for “all the right reasons,” I fear that she may be a little too overbearing for Nick to handle. But on a positive note: if there are any sexy single dudes out there that want to cuddle up and have a nice little hyperventilating sob while watching the saddest movies of all time every night, Danielle L should be single in no time.

16. Olivia

 

It is down right astonishing that Olivia is still single as she has the most original way of approaching a man that she is interested in that I have ever heard in my life. So, are you ready to hear Olivia’s key steps to snagging that guy or girl of your dreams………

“It depends on the situation and where we are at, but I would try to make eye contact with him and smile. If he comes over to me, I would introduce myself.”

– Olivia, Bachelor 21 contestant

Well no shit Olivia. Even ABC isn’t stupid enough to think that you wouldn’t first look at the guy, second smile and third, tell the dude your name. All I know

is that I am praying to the reality TV gods that Olivia is one of the ladies that walks into the mansion and forgets to tell Nick her name. Stick to the plan, Olivia. Stick to the plan.

To be fair, if ABC walked up to me and asked me, “If you wanted to approach a woman you had never met before, how would you go about it?” I would be like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But I think even that would be a better answer than “look at them, smile, and say “hello, I’m Ryan” IF they came over to me.”

 

For ladies 15-11 Click here.