Tag Archives: Nick Viall

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 5)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner-up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
#20-16 CLICK HERE.
#15-11 CLICK HERE.
#10-6 CLICK HERE.

Continuing to the final 5……

5. Corinne

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Corinne (abc.com)

When asked if Corinne had any tattoos, her response was “Yes, but hidden and are being lasered off, so they are already faded.” My mission: to get to the bottom of what awful, embarrassing tattoos were on Corinne’s body to begin with.

Poor ink choices aside, Corinne seems to be a relatively successful 24-year-old, as she is a business owner, and likens herself to being strong and fierce, like a cheetah. I don’t see any problems on the horizon with a strong, fierce woman living with 29 other woman and dating the same guy. Corinne will be a star this season, but probably for all the wrong reasons.

4. Whitney

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Whitney (abc.com)

Whitney is an incredibly hot 25-year-old Pilates instructor from Chanhassen, MN, wherever the hell that is. If she had to be an animal, she would be an eagle so she could see the world from a different perspective. If she could be anyone else for a day, she would be Gisele Bündchen. And she lives her life with no regrets. Did I mention she is a Pilates instructor?

Whitney seems perfect. The catch, I don’t think she will be as into the process as she needs to be to make it to the end. She will be above all the drama and cattiness and Nick will mistake that for disinterest. Just looking at her picture, you can already tell she is thinking, “what the hell have I gotten myself into.” I’ll love Whitney, America will love Whitney, but sadly, Nick may feel inferior to her and send her packing back to Chanhassen. But not before a private Pilates session, of course.

3. Vanessa

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Vanessa (abc.com)

Like Whitney, Vanessa seems pretty much perfect. What concerns me most about Vanessa, however, is the fact that her biggest fear is hurting people’s feelings.

I predict that Nick will be very into Vanessa, but Vanessa will become best friends with all the girls and feel bad about getting Nick’s attention and bow out. She is a special education teacher, so she is used to putting other people’s needs above hers. She will be able to come across as a role model to all young girls across the country that should absolutely not be watching The Bachelor, while still standing up for what she believes is right. If ABC decides they don’t care if they look racist by not having a minority as the next Bachelorette, and if Nick is stupid enough to let her go, expect Vanessa to be the next Bachelorette in May. And if that’s the case, expect a 2 month-long hiatus from Ryan’s Countdowns when I am trying to break into the Bachelorette 13 mansion.

2. Sarah

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Sarah (abc.com)

Sarah seems like the most real, genuine girl in the bunch. She is super sexy, adventurous (she moved to NYC with just 3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 her,) and she loves to gamble. And I love a girl who loves to gamble.

I’m assuming her answer to the question “what animal would you be” is some type of attempt at humor, because she say “Puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right? :)” I don’t know what the hell that means, but I guess that it is some sort of witty reference to something girly.

Fine, I Googled it and I was right. It, of course, is a reference to The Notebook. How, the hell, did I know.

Anyway, Sarah is my pick for the coolest girl in the bunch, and if Nick doesn’t choose her, expect her to be tearing it up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

1. Kristina

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Kristina. (abc.com)

My season 21 winner pick belongs to the 24-year-old orphan turned Dental Hygienist, Kristina. Abandoned at a young age by her alcoholic biological mother, it is her adoptive parents that Kristina admires most in the world.

She is not afraid of aging, b

ecause “aging is a beautiful thing.”  I think I can speak for everyone when I say, speak for yourself, Kristina.

One of the things that stuck out to me most about Kristina is that her favorite actor is Meryl Streep. Not Hannah Montana, or Britney Spears in Crossroads, or the lady that played the voice of The Little Mermaid; an actual, well-respected, iconic actress. Good for you, Kristina. I hope you and Nick live happily ever after and have a house full of obnoxiously beautiful, charismatic, perfect children.

 

Upon further research, if Kristina could be any fictional character of all time she would be Fiona from Shrek. Not Lady Macbeth, or Jane Eyre, or Scarlett O’Hara, or Daenerys Targaryen, or Nancy Drew, or Athena, or Aphrodite, or Mary Friggin’ Poppins. Fiona, from Shrek. Can somebody please tell these ladies that fictional does not necessarily translate to animated. I give up.

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Ranking All 30 Bachelor 21 Contestants (Part 4) 10-6

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
LADIES #20-16 CLICK HERE.
LADIES #15-11 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

10. Lacey

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Lacey (abc.com)

 

Lacey seems like a very well educated, well-rounded woman. She graduated with a double degree (she does not mention what degrees, so technically it could be basket weaving and juggling, so take it with a grain of salt) and she is learning Arabic. Also, when asked what three people she would have lunch with, she choose three of the greatest minds the world has ever known.

  1. William Shakespeare – The English poet and author widely regarded as the greatest writer in history.
  2. JK Rowling – The author and genius behind the greatest selling book series of all time, Harry Potter. 
  3. Joe Jonas – American singer and actor who is responsible for critically acclaimed, groundbreaking roles such as “Himself” in Hannah Montana, and Shane Gray in Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam. 

While Lacey seems to have the brains and the beauty to go all the way, it may be her jealousy that sends her packing, as her biggest date fear is when “he’s going on another date right after” which she follows by telling us (that has happened before).

Expect Lacey to make it mid season, and after she has an epic meltdown because Nick is going on a one-on-one with the same girl he already went on a one-on-one with in week two, yet she still has not had a one-on-one, will be pulled aside by Nick and shown the door in the most dramatic moment of the season.

 

9. Danielle M

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Danielle M (abc.com)

 

There is a law in Louisiana or Tennessee that says that you can’t eat ice cream on the side of the road, “or something like that” and that really pisses Danielle M right the hell off. So much so, that if Danielle M could break any law with no repercussions, that would be it, according to her abc.com bio. ABC and the producers of the Bachelor just wanted to make sure that we were given that riveting information about Danielle M.

Perhaps more interestingly is the fact that if Danielle M could be any fictional character she would be Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series because “she’s a smart, clever, beautiful witch.” That is actually a great answer. But what I am most impressed with is the fact that Danielle M understands that a “fictional character” is not limited to Disney princesses. It could possibly be due to the fact that she is 31 years old, which compared to 85% of the cast, is considered elderly.

Not that any of this information about Danielle M matters though because Danielle M had a fiancé that passed away. So the ONLY thing we will get to know about Danielle M is that she had a fiancé that passed away. There is nothing ABC loves more than a dead fiancé and they will soak that shit up for every last drop until Danielle M is eliminated in Nick’s “most difficult Rose ceremony to date.”

 

8. Lauren

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Lauren (abc.com)

 

Things that make Lauren perfect:

  • She is super sexy
  • She is a law school graduate
  • Lauren loves mini golf
  • She wants to be a dolphin, but did not need to make one single reference to The Little Mermaid to get her point across.
  • She gives 100% in relationships to make them fun and adventurous.
  • In 5 years she wants to be happily married with kids and in a house full of laughter.
  • She loves Step Brothers
  • The 5 things she can’t live without are “My super soft vintage Hall & Oates t-shirt, chapstick, my family, sushi, music”

It would be way too easy to say Lauren is going to win, plus she deserves someone better than perfect Nick. Like somebody that runs their own website and makes countdowns about pop culture.

7. Angela

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Angela (abc.com)

 

In five years, Angela wants to be a stay at home mom. Yeah, me too Angela. Also, if Angela never had to ________ she would be very happy. So what it is that Angela never wants to do again? The dreaded act of driving herself. Angela is also a model, so we know she will be thrown into the “here for the right reasons” spotlight, which is never a good thing.

Also, her worst date memory is when a guy wrote down “Batman” while they waited for a table. Unless they were eating at Le Meurice, in Paris, France, that is kind of funny Angela. Take a chill pill, please.

Le Meurice, party of 2 for Batman and buzzkill. (the guardian.com)

 

6. Rachel

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Rachel (abc.com)

 

Rachel is ranked at #6 not because she can’t win, but because ABC will have plans on using her as the next Bachelorette, making her the first minority leading lady or man in Bachelor franchise history.

A beautiful, successful attorney, Rachel is what ABC has been waiting for to prove they are not racist, and they will do everything in their power to prep her for The Bachelorette 13. Sorry Nick, Rachel may be single, but ABC has their eyes on her, and it is unlikely they will let her go.

For the Top 5 Ladies – Click Here.

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 3)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.
FOR PART 2, LADIES #20-16 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

15. Astrid

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Astrid (abc.com)

 

Somebody better call the rodeo master, because we need a group rodeo date pronto! Y’all here see, Astrid is freaked out by horses because she has “had some bad experiences with them.” Not one. SOME.

Also, Astrid has got to make up her damn mind. How can your favorite movie be Beauty and the Beast, but if you could be any fictional character of all time, you would be pre-legs Ariel from The Little Mermaid? Why wouldn’t you just be Belle and take some scuba diving lessons or something, Astrid. Come on, use your head, girl.

Since so many of these girls are obsessed with The Little Mermaid*, I cant help but imagine that at least one of the girls will make a comparison between Nick and Prince Eric. My money is on Astrid, and it will go something like this…. “Oh my God, Nick is so hot. He reminds me of Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. I wouldn’t mind going “Under the Sea**” with him. You know, because darlin’ it’s better down where it’s wetter, if you know what I mean” or some other stupid shit like that.

* For the record, I have nothing against The Little Mermaid. In fact, you can expect it to do quite well on my top 25 animated Disney Movies of All Time list coming to you in 2017. I’m just saying, if I had to answer 10 questions to summarize my life, you can bet your bottom dollar that no animated Disney character would be the focal point of my answers.

** For the record I have nothing against “Under The Sea” in fact, I may or may not have performed it numerous times during karaoke just this summer. Spoiler alert: I did.

14. Susannah

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Susannah (abc.com)

 

I will give you one guess as to what Susannah’s answer was to the following question…

If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why?

I’ll give you a few hints:

  • It is a Disney character
  • She has red hair
  • She has a best friend named Flounder that is a brightly colored tropical fish
  • She has a VERY solid grasp on the English language but often forgets the names of the most simple things such as “street” and “feet.”
  • She has gadgets and gizmo’s a-pleanty. And she has whozits and whatzits galore.
  • She has twenty thing-a-ma-bobs
  • She wants more

YOU GUESS IT!!!! If Susannah could be any fictional character, she too, would be Ariel. But not because she would be able to explore the wonders of ocean freely, who cares about that? She would be her because Ariel has nice hair and wears a seashell bra.

Ironically, I happen to think that Susannah has some of the nicest hair in the cast, but what the hell do I know?

 

13. Jasmine B

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jasmine B (abc.com)

 

For the love of God, somebody please tell me that Jasmine B is not referring to the Steve Harvey that I am terrified she is referring to when she answers the following question…

Who is your favorite author and why?

Her answer: “Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships.”

Oh God, she is talking about the Steve Harvey that I am thinking she is talking about, isn’t she?

(mcdermott.lib.overdrive.com)

 

Yup. She is.

Luckily for Jasmine B, she seems super cute and incredibly sweet, so she will at least survive until the topic of favorite authors comes up between her and Nick, which could be a very, very long time.

 

12. Elizabeth “Liz”

Bachelor 21 Contestant, “Liz,” because there is already another Elizabeth. (abc.com)

 

Liz is a doula. And being a guy, I obviously had no idea what the hell a doula was. But,  after taking a good look at Liz, and focusing on what a weird word “doula” is, I should have been able to guess that it means someone that helps someone give birth.

Liz does seem like quite the hippy from the looks of her. However, she says a bunch of not hippyish things in her bio. For example, when she had to fill in the blank in the following sentence, she really went quite literal.

The Question:

If I never had to ______, I would be very happy.

Most people would say something like “work again” or “pay taxes” or “get sick” or “lose a loved one.”

Liz’s answer: “Kill someone”

(center.babygaga.com)

 

Exactly, kinda cute, but kind of creepy, baby. WHAT THE HELL? Who’s mind goes to “kill someone” when asked that question. Like, no kidding. If I ever HAVE to kill someone then some crazy shit is happening. It’s not like she is a cop or a soldier or something, she cuts a frigging umbilical cord. Get a grip, Liz.

If that is not enough, Liz’s least favorite sport is golf. Why? Because it is boring and ANGERS her. I get the boring part, fine, don’t watch it. But to have it anger her? I think we need to go back and run Liz through the background check process again, ABC.

11. Raven

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Raven (abc.com)

Some things that stood out about Raven…

  • Brittany Murphy used to be her favorite actor (but only when she was alive.) Apparently now that she has passed away, she is still searching for a new favorite actress, because she left it at that. That’s so Raven.
  • I am not saying that she doesn’t want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid, because come on, who doesn’t? But if she could be any fictional character she would be Jasmine from Aladdin because “that hair!” and because she has a pet tiger. Obv.
  • While Raven has no fear of aging, she does plan to use cosmetic procedures to her advantage, but ONLY if they are tastefully done. Guess we won’t be seeing her on Botched anytime soon.
  • If Raven could be ANYBODY in the world for just one day, she would be a 4 year old by the name of Blue Ivy because then her parents would be Jay Z and Beyonce. Well then why not just be Beyonce? At least you could have a cocktail and not have to have someone wipe your ass for you. Oh wait, maybe not. I’m sure she has people to do that for her too. Nevermind.

 

For the next five ladies click here.