For part one of “Ranking the Characters of It’s A Wonderful Life click here.

8. Pa Bailey

 

Unfortunately for George, Pa Bailey had to go and have a massive stroke and not only ruin George’s plans for his epic trip, but also ruined his game with Mary, just as he was about to get some action. And unfortunately for us, we only got to know Pa briefly.

But what we do know of the Bailey patriarch is that he was a stand up guy that used his business of the Building and Loan to help his neighbors and the Bedford Falls community.

Pa Bailey is a man’s man that doesn’t command respect, but gets it anyways. The way his sons, George and Harry stand up for him, respect him, and honor his memory makes Pa the most underrated character in the movie.

George’s epic monologue in which he tears into Mr. Potter and stands up for his deceased father, is one of my favorite monologues in cinematic history. Absolutely brilliant.

Bottom line: While it would be difficult for Pa Bailey and I to maintain a friendship due to our lack of common interests, I would be more than happy to use his business for all my loaning needs. And I would be sure to make prompt payments to the best of my ability.

 

7. ZuZu

 

First off, ZuZu is a bad ass. ZuZu was so nervous that she was going to crush her flower that she won at school that she decided to not button up her jacket on her way home. Plus, there is the whole issue of the timing it would have taken her to button up her coat. Ain’t nobody got time for buttoning up coats when they are itching to get home and stare at their flower. So I get it, ZuZu.

Now, I get that ZuZu is only like six, but is she really that naive to think that George was going to be able to paste the pedals back on the flower? Come on, ZuZu, you’re better than that.

You got to hand it to ZuZu though. She went from feeling like a million bucks and winning prizes at school, to being so sick that a Dr. had to come pay her a visit, and back to feeling like a million bucks again, all in the matter of a few hours. Plus, even so late at night when she should have been in bed, she had the wherewithal to take her school learnings and make real life connections when she heard the bell ring and proclaimed that her teaching said that “every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings.”

Luckily for ZuZu, she does not have much in the way of competition as far as being the favorite child is concerned. Little Tommy and Pete couldn’t be any more annoying, and Janie is a crybaby that won’t stop butchering “Hark! The Heralds Angels Sing” on the piano.

Bottom line: I despise coats and only wear them when it is extremely necessary. So, ZuZu and I could really have hit it off. However, due to my supernatural ability to kill a basil plant in just days, ZuZu would want nothing to do with my friendship. There is no way in hell I would follow her on Instagram because I would imagine it would be littered with boring flower shots. But, ZuZu’s Twitter would be hopping because she would be shooting off facts left and right about what she learned in school. We could all learn a lot from ZuZu’s twitter account.

6. Adult George Bailey

 

First off, if I had a nickel for every time I said the following sentence by George Bailey, I would have enough money to take care of George Bailey’s $8000 mistake myself…..

While I whole-heartedly love the guy, a friendship with adult George Bailey would be exhausting. You would have to deal with his anger issues, depression, mood swings, self loathing and nonstop complaints about his children and how much he hates Bedford Falls.

With that being said, I think it is pretty safe to say that a friendship with George post-suicide attempt would be amazing. He is a changed man that has learned a valuable lesson, and will have an entirely new outlook at life. As long as he doesn’t hold over his family and friend’s heads how awful (or dead) they would be if it wasn’t for him, he is going to come out of this a much better man, and a hell of a lot more fun to be around.

Bottom line: I would want to have drinks at Martini’s with George when he is in a good mood. I would steer clear of him when he is having a bad day. And I would avoid any and all social media accounts of George’s. Can you imagine his complaining and rants that he would go on? No thanks, buddy. But I still love you.

5. Mr. Potter

 

Mr. Potter is pretty much the worst person imaginable. He has absolutely no empathy for others, he uses his power and fortune to further himself at the expense of his community, and he is an all around miserable prick with zero redeeming qualities.

But…….. HOLY HELL, did you see what Pottersville would have looked like if George was never born? It looked AMAZING! Bar after bar, pool rooms, clubs, dancing, live music, and burlesque clubs. Mr. Potter sure knows how to liven a town up.

https://youtu.be/zCFePlm0Gkw

Bottom line: It’s been established that Mr. Potter is a complete jerk, and like George says, is a “warped, frustrated old man.” But his hatred for the human race is actual quite comical, and it would be entertaining as hell to work with him. Unlike George, I would not be above working for Mr. Potter. Especially if it meant that I would get a hefty salary, and free business trips to Europe every once in a while.

4. Mary

 

Mary is grade A marriage material. She is a supportive wife, a loving mother, and was actually quite fun back in the day. Mary and George fell into the pool at the school dance but, like most other girls would, she didn’t have a meltdown and cry about her hair and makeup being ruined, she went with the flow and kept on dancing.

When George was in a bind because of the rush at the bank, she didn’t whine and complain about missing her honeymoon, she whipped out the cash and helped her husband appease his customers.

When George was out and about getting drunk at Martini’s and contemplating suicide, it was Mary that called all the townspeople and saved the day.

So…. why isn’t Mary ranked higher than #4? Well, did you see “If George was never born, Mary?”

Good Lord, she was awful. I understand that it would be very creepy for a stranger to come up to you and call you their wife, but the screaming and fainting was all a bit too much if you ask me. Knowing that Mary is only as awesome as she is because of George is a bit of a disappointment.

With that being said, even though he may be a pain in the ass at times, Mary needs to thank her lucky stars Ma and Pa Bailey had little George Bailey.

Bottom Line: If Mary was single, I would snatch her up quicker than you can say “Buffalo gals won’t you come out tonight, won’t you come out tonight, won’t you come out tonight. Buffalo gals won’t you come out tonight annnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd dance by the light of the mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.”

3. Bert and Ernie

 

I don’t know about you, but if you could have two friends in Bedford Falls, having the only taxi driver, and one of the only cops as your BFFs is the way to go.

Not only are Bert and Ernie funny guys, but they will do anything for their buddy George. The fact that they helped Mary turn 320 Sycamore into their honeymoon suite was about the nicest thing two buddies could do for a guy that got caught in a bank run on his way to his honeymoon.

Bottom Line: I would be best friends with Ernie because he is the funniest and would be able to drive me back and forth to Martini’s every day. But Bert and I would hit it off just fine as well. I would be Facebook friends with both, and would follow Ernie on Twitter, as I am sure he would have some fantastic zingers.

2. Clarence

 

I agree with George that Clarence “looks like about the kind of guardian angel I would get.” Despite the fact that my reputation may take a hit with being seen walking around town with Clarence, he would be an amazing friend to have.

Anyone that has the ability to do what Clarence did is someone that you want on your side. Plus, he was just about ready to start throwing back some hot mulled wine at Martini’s when he and George got kicked out. This leads me to believe that I could get Clarence to loosen up a little and hang with the big boys on a night out on the town. How awesome would it be to get drunk with your guardian angel? My guardian angel has been watching me do it for almost two decades. It would be so special to be able to return the favor.

The only downside to Clarence? I would feel awfully judged while hanging out with him. We would be out at a bar watching the Redskins game, and I would make some sort of throwaway comment like… ” if the Redskins lose this game in the final seconds after winning the entire game, I am going to kill myself.” Clarence would get all pissed and start telling me all deep shit like, “Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives, and when he isn’t around, it leaves an awful hole, doesn’t it?” And I would be like, “Clarence, I just want The Redskins to win the Superbowl like really bad. Chill out. Ok buddy?”

Bottom line: Clarence and I would be best buddies, but we would bicker like an old married couple.

1. Young George Bailey

 

Little George Bailey is so cool that he had to be separated from the older version of himself. Still confident, charming, and charismatic, he has not yet been tarnished by the world around him. He was also quite observant as he remarkably saved druggist Mr. Gower from a life in the slammer by stopping him from accidentally poisoning a kid to death.

Little George was born older (as Pa Bailey put it) and at a young age he had big dreams, and ambitions. He wanted to get the hell out of dodge and see the world.

All the girls wanted a piece of little George, as evidence by the fact that at just nine years old both Violet and Mary were already fighting over him. Yet George did not let the attention of the ladies, nor title of being a hero get to his head. He thought Violet was a insane for her asking him to help her down from her seat, and he thought Mary was brainless for not liking coconut, to which I couldn’t agree more. He told it like it is. Good or bad.

Just watch this 4 second video below for a reminder of how amazing young George is.

… And this is 25 seconds of young George Bailey that summarizes me as a bartender.

In addition to being a complete stud, young George was not afraid of anyone. He stood up to Mr. Potter when the mean old man was talking about his Pa. Nobody talks about Pa Bailey and gets away with it if George Bailey is around.

Young George is also loyal, as he promised Mr Gower that he would never tell a soul that Mr Gower put poison in the pills. Despite the fact that Mr Gower smacked him upside the head and made his sore eat bleed.

And finally, and most importantly, young Harry would have died in the river that day had George not been so heroic. Without skipping a beat young stud muffin George Bailey hopped into the water to save his brothers and took on the leadership position in the rescue.

….. and just remember, for all those naysayers out there that may say, “but if George was never born, wouldn’t have Harry’s friends saved him from the river that day when he fell in the ice?” That question, quite simply, can be answered by watching the TWO SECOND clip below. (Focus on the kid running to help and you tell me if you want him saving you from anything.)

May “It’s A Wonderful Life” always remind us that no matter how bleak and awful our lives may seem at the moment, that things could always be worse, and we should be grateful for the loved

ones we have, even if they are terrible at playing the piano or lose $8000 of your money. And even if your house is cold and drafty and your staircase is broken, remember that there are people that don’t have drafty houses and broken staircases.

And even if your brother is cooler than you, you’re about to lose your business, your about to go to jail for a long time, your children’s teacher’s husband punches you in the face in front of all your friends, and you crash your car into the oldest tree in your town…… remember this…. no man is a failure that has friends.

Happy Holidays!