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Ranking the Cast of Big Brother Canada 5 (The Underdogs)

Sorry friends and family, but it’s that time of the year again, where for three months I will be talking with a Canadian accent and saying things like “it’s Aboot time you showed up,” or “get your arse out of my seat.” And you remember that time of the year that my fridge is constantly stocked with LaBatt Blue and Molson, and I insist on asking our waiter if they serve Poutine? Yep, its that time. You guessed it, Big Brother Canada is back, and I’m about to get full on Canuck on your asses. Ya know, eh?

This year Big Brother Canada dropped the bomb that they will be filling the house with eight returning players looking to get redemption for their first unsuccessful stint in the house. And they will be playing against eight unlucky newbies, most of which will be inevitably evicted by week five.

The difference in caliber between the vets and the newbies seems so astronomically out of place that I would be willing to bet a lifetime supply of Tim Horton’s coffee and doughnuts that one of the eight vets will be handed the title as the winner of the fifth season of the reality show.

Nevertheless, I will rank the odds of each of the 16 contestant’s chances that they will join Jillian, Jon,  Sarah and the Paquette brothers as Big Brother Canada champions.

 

THE UNDERDOGS

16. Dre

(globaltv.com)

 

Dre will enter the house and become an easy target because of her loud, boisterous personality. Her over-confidence will lead her to believe that the whole house loves her, when in actuality, they will find her annoying and an easy first boot.

“The whole house will love me and want to be me” says Dre in her pre-season interview. Well, I would be willing to bet that not one person in the house will want to be Dre on the first eviction night.

Additionally, Dre mentions Cass and Neda in her interview, so she will be itching to work with them. The vet guys, not yet wanting to target their female counterparts early on, will see Dre as a liability, and send her ass packing as quickly as possible. And Neda and Cass will gladly offer her us as a sacrificial slaughter.

If her answer to the question of “What three words best describes you?” is an indication for how much of a train wreck Dre is going to be, then I am convinced Dre will be evicted before St. Patrick’s Day Weekend.

Her three words: hilarious, extra caring (but I pretend not to care.)

That may be the all-time stupidest answer to that age old question.

FINAL PREDICTION: First Boot

 

15. William

(globaltv.com)

 

First off, I get that Willaim is French Canadian, and French is his first language and all, but I am pretty sure he just made a noise when he said his name. Is there any way that is possibly how he says his name? Watch the first 3 seconds of the clip below to help you understand my confusion…

William has thought long and hard at home about what his strategy going into the Big Brother Canada house is going to be, and it is revolutionary. This guy must be a superfan because the amount of Big Brother knowledge one must obtain to help devise such a scheming plan of attack is very next level thinking. So what is this plan that William has that is all but guaranteed to make him one of the greatest Big Brother players of all time?

“I’m going to try to find thing… everything in the house. Like if there’s not a secret room, like, I really thought about that at home, like, think I’m going to press every wall to see if there is something like hidden in… somewhere.”

Well don’t get too nervous about losing your title as Best Player Ever just yet Dr. Will, because it looks like Big Brother may have found William’s kryptonite. Could this be the only thing that could take down this Big Brother historian?

“I’m scared of being like, uh…. there’s two things. Always speaking English, and doing things with my mouth.”

FINAL PREDICTION… we will be seeing William pushing and poking every wall on his way out the door, trying to find an eviction safety room by week 3.

 

14. Sindy

(globaltv.com)

 

Cindy with an S has been evicted from Big Brother Canada twice, and from the online reality show, Sequester, twice. She holds the record for most eviction votes received by any contestant in a single season with 20. She is the lowest-ranking returning houseguest of any North American Big Brother series. And she is also the first Big Brother Canada houseguest to be evicted twice in one season, as fellow Big Brother 5 houseguest, Gary Levy made it to the final 2 in Big Brother Canada 1.

Bottom line, Sindy is not good at this stuff. BUT…… she has a fun nickname because she spells her name unconventionally. So let’s keep bringing her back until we can find a better girl named Sarah that spells her name with a C. Carah-with-a-C is so much more fun than Sindy-with-an-S.

FINAL PREDICTION: Pre Jury/First Vet Evicted

After a quick Twitter search, I found a contestant for next season. You’re welcome casting.

(Sarah with a C, potential Big Brother Canada 6 Contestant. twitter.com/CarahAmelie)

 

 

13. Dillon

(globaltv.com)

 

Professional boxer, Dillon, says his biggest strength is “his strength… as a human.” WTF?  He says he wants to win every competition. And we all know about his physical strength “as a human,” so he should be a target from the get-go.

But don’t count out your favorite non-Dillon houseguest yet, because luckily for the rest of the house, Dillon may not fare as well in the mental competitions. Here is an actual phrase that Dillon strung together during his pre season interview with Global….

“… girls want to meet me, guys want to be me. Everybody wants to meet me as far as everything goes……So I think that’s gonna tra

nslate well.”

FINAL PREDICTION: He will be the Paul Abrahamian from Big Brother 18, if Paul from BB18 got voted out pre jury.

 

Next 4 houseguests, the dark horses, coming tomorrow. 

And no, I do not have a spreadsheet at home. Thanks to Big Brother Wiki for all the Sindy facts. Not all heroes wear capes.

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17 Celebrities That Need To Be On Dancing With The Stars (Part 3)

After 23 seasons of ABC’s hit reality show Dancing With the Stars, fans will likely be able to get a good idea about what the cast will look like, even before it’s revealed tomorrow on Good Morning, America.

If past seasons are any indication, there will be a washed up reality star, an Olympian, The Bachelor, a Disney Channel actor, an NFL player, a C-list celebrity that has recently been involved in a controversy, etc.

So, if the producers decided to stray away from their typical cast, and if all the celebrities that got an invite decided to participate, what would the ideal cast look like? The following is a ranking of the 17 celebrities that Dancing With the Stars desperately needs to scout out, to shake up their boring, mundane casting.

FOR PART 1 (#17-#13) CLICK HERE
FOR PART 2 (#12-#8) CLICK HERE

 

7. Emilia Clarke, Actress

(winteriscoming.net)

 

If the thought of the Mother of Dragons doing the Jitterbug doesn’t get you excited then you should probably check your pulse… or start watching Game of Thrones. 

Now that the hit HBO show is nearing the end of its run, Emilia Clarke, who plays Mother of Dragons – Queen of Meereen – Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea – Protector of the Realm – Queen of the Andals and the First Men – Breaker of Chains – The Unburnt -Widow of Khal Drogo – Daenerys Targaryen of the House of Targaryen, A.K.A. Dany, should have a bit more free time on her hands.

With Game of Thrones scheduled to end next year, ABC would be stupid not to begin talks with her ASAP to get her on the dance floor in 2018.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING HER ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 50%

6. Greg Louganis, Olympic Gold Medalist

(yahoo.com)

 

We all know the risk a celebrity takes when joining the cast of Dancing With the Stars. From broken bones, fatigue, and ruptured tendons, to neck injuries, back injuries and people just fainting for no apparent reason. The dance floor is a dangerous place to be.

We all know that Greg Louganis, Olympic Diving Champion, can deal with pain.

(theguardian.com)

 

Unbeknownst to the world, Louganis was diagnosed with HIV just months before the 1988 Olympic Games. It was there that millions of people around the world watched in horror as he smashed his head doing a quadruple – axle – twisting triple luxe, head-shoulder-knees-toes- combo. Louganis was then shrouded in controversy by not immediately disclosing the fact that had been diagnosed with the disease, thus potentially endangering other divers.

Now 56 years old, Louganis is still in tip-top shape and uses his celebrity to advocate for the LGBT community. He would undoubtedly use his diving skills to wow the audience, and make a splash (but not like a cannonball splash, a perfectly dainty splash) in the competition.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING GREG ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 99%

5. Ronda Rousey, UFC Fighter

(Rondarousey.net)

 

Odds are that ABC has repeatedly asked Rousey to participate on their show. After all, she is very good friends with DWTS superstars Derek Hough and Mark Ballas. I have even sat next to Ballas at one of Rousey’s Vegas fights before (not that I really remember after the 87 beers that I had, but there is photographic evidence, and probably tweets on Ballas’ Twitter account complaining about the drunk guy next to him that keeps asking him if Edyta Śliwińska is as hot in real life as she in on TV.) Additionally, the show just had her rival Paige Vanzant on last season, the odds are, they settled for her.

But now that Rousey’s fighting career is nearing its end, it is very likely that the UFC legend will in the ballroom and show the world her softer side before you can say “greatest female fighter of all time and most dangerous ballerina alive.”

REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING RHONDA ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 95%

 

4. Macaulay Culkin, Actor

(eonline.com)

 

Macaulay Culkin has had quite a tumultuous ride after he shot to child actor superstardom after the 1990 Christmas classic, Home Alone.

For whatever reason, Culkin has been the subject of multiple internet rumors over the years, ranging from his drug abuse and heroin addiction to even his death. Dancing With the Stars would be just the platform that he could use to show the world that he is alive and well. That is, of course, if he is alive and well. Who the hell knows… just yesterday I heard that he voluntarily cryogenically froze his body so he could be brought back to life in 2090 to reprise his role in Home Alone 30. And I’m fairly certain it is not a rumor.

Anyway, the world still desperately wants to talk about Macaulay Culkin, so in the words of the great Bonnie Raitt, “let’s give ’em something to talk about,” Macaulay.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING MACAULAY ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 75%

3. “Baby Jessica” – Well Survivor

(cbsnews.com)

 

The 1980’s was responsible for some pretty horrific events. John Lennon was assassinated, Mt. St. Helens erupted, The Challenger exploded, the AIDS epidemic swept the nation, the Tiananmen Square massacre, and Chernobyl did whatever the hell Chernobyl did. But, other than the evening that Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire while filming a Pepsi commercial, and getting over the fact that Milli Vanilli wasn’t actually Milli Vanilli, nothing was more traumatic than Baby Jessica falling down a well the size of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

The world was infatuated with Baby Jessica, and the world deserves an update on the infant that we spent so many nights being captivated by. You had the world at your fingertips in 1987 Baby Jessica, lets see if you can keep those fingertips pointed perfectly while doing the Viennese Waltz with Val Chmerkovskiy.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING BABY J ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 30%

 

2. George W. Bush, Former President

(totalfratmove.com)

 

Whether you loved the guy or hated him as a politician, there is no denying that George W Bush is quite a charismatic guy that would be highly entertaining on Dancing With the Stars. The internet could not get enough of him trying to put on his poncho at the President Trump inauguration, and Bush could use his poncho momentum to pull in some swing votes in the Dancing With the Stars competition. I never knew how badly I needed to see George W Bush and Karina Smirnoff do a Tango to “Singing in the Rain,” while partially wearing a plastic poncho with the Presidential Seal on it, until now.

(avclub.com)

 

And we already know that former President Bush is not afraid to get jiggy with it in front of an audience.

(telegraph.co.uk)

 

(buzzfeed.com)

 

ABC, if you don’t cast Bush on Dancing With the Stars, can you at least follow him around for his own reality show? This guy is TV gold.

INSERT MIRROR BALL TROPHY HERE (ibtimes.co.uk)

 

REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING GWB ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 5%

 

1. Courtney Love, Rock Star

(usweekly.com)

 

If you had to make a list of 5 celebrities that you would like to see prance around the ballroom doing the Waltz and Courtney Love is not on that list, than you clearly do not know who Courtney Love is.

Widow to the late grunge rock icon, Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars would be the most shocking to date.

Do the censors dare having such a loose cannon on live TV on ABC? Doubtful. But if they do, Courtney Love would take Dancing With the Stars to a whole new level. You thought a shirtless Len Goodman was scary? Wait until you see Courtney Love start losing her temper over continuously forgetting her routine in rehearsals for her jive performance to the song “Rock Around the Clock.”

REALISTIC CHANCE OF SEEING LOVE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS: 55%

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17 Celebrities That Need To Be On Dancing With The Stars (Part 2)

After 23 seasons of ABC’s hit reality show Dancing With the Stars, fans will likely be able to get a good idea about what the cast will look like, even before it’s revealed tomorrow on Good Morning, America.

If past seasons are any indication, there will be a washed up reality star, an Olympian, The Bachelor, a Disney Channel actor, an NFL player, a C-list celebrity that has recently been involved in a controversy, etc.

So, if the producers decided to stray away from their typical cast, and if all the celebrities that got an invite decided to participate, what would the ideal cast look like? The following is a ranking of the 17 celebrities that Dancing With the Stars desperately needs to scout out, to shake up their boring, mundane casting.

FOR PART 1 (#17-#13) CLICK HERE

 

12. Alanis Morissette, Singer

(popmatters.com)

 

You oughta know that I’m here, to remind you, of the mess Alanis has left since she went away. It’s not fair.

It’s been nearly 22 years since Canadian rocker Alanis Morissette released her international debut album, Jagged Little Pill, which has since become one of the best selling albums of all time, and one of only three albums that have sold more than 15 million copies since 1991, the year in which Nielsen Music began tracking data.

Dancing With the Stars may be just want Morissette needs to catapult her back into the spotlight and write and produce another album that rivals Pill, arguably the greatest female rock album of all time.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF ALANIS AGREEING TO DWTS: 65%

 

11. Eric Nies, Reality TV Star/Former Model

(alchetron.com)

 

If producers insist on casting a reality star, who better to cast than the grandaddy of Reality TV, the original Real World’s, Eric Nies. Not only was Nies the star of the reality show that launched an entire genre, but he also was the host of the critically acclaimed MTV dance music show, The Grind.

Having somehow never won an Emmy for his work on The Grind, competing on Dancing With the Stars could be the only way for the world to validate and thank Nies for everything he has done for reality TV and semi-erotic hip hop dance aerobics.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF ERIC AGREEING TO DWTS: 99%

 

10. Mama June, Reality TV Star

(etonline.com)

 

Granted, I know virtually nothing about Mama June from the “hit” TLC show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, except for the fact that she has recently become the talk of the town after allegedly losing a tremendous amount of weight, the likes of which many are calling the most amazing transformation in television history.

What better way for Mama June to show off her new body (I can’t believe I just typed that) than to strut her stuff on the dance floor?

REALISTIC CHANCE OF MAMA JUNE AGREEING TO DWTS: 99%

 

9. Malia Obama, Daughter of Barack Obama

(businessinsider.com)

 

Rumor has it that Michelle Obama has been offered one of the coveted spots on Dancing With the Stars, and graciously refused the offer. Shocker.

Why not then, invite the former first daughter, Malia? Sure, she is in college, and just got an internship, but all those wonderful things would still be there for her after she twerks her way to the coveted Mirror Ball trophy, should she decide to compete on the show.

Granted, Malia has just recently been able to step out of the spotlight and twerk with a little more privacy for the first time in her young adult life. So it is very doubtful that she would choose to be thrown back into the media’s ray of vision so soon after she has been granted some, relatively speaking, freedom.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF MAMA JUNE AGREEING TO DWTS: 10%

 

8. Owen Suskind, Writer/Autism Awareness Advocate

(ew.com)

 

It seems as though each season Dancing With the Stars casts a relatively unknown, yet heroic figure that, more often than not, has some sort of a disability.

So why not give Owen Suskind, the star of the Oscar nominated documentary, Life, Animated his time to shine.

After being diagnosed with severe autism at the age of three, Owen overcame the odds by using Disney animated classics to communicate with his family. Owen has since went on to become a highly functioning adult that has his own place, maintains a job, and is able to communicate and express his emotions freely.

Life, Animated is a must-watch documentary for all ages. And ABC and Dancing With the Stars should consider themselves honored to have such an inspirational, courageous young man join their cast.

REALISTIC CHANCE OF OWEN AGREEING TO DWTS: 50%

 

Continue to Part 3…