Category Archives: Television

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 2)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

20. Christen

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Christen (abc.com)

 

Two things in particular jump out at me about Christen. The first is that she is a wedding videographer. That is a great job and all, but I can’t help but imagine she would be a bit of a Bridezilla. Now, speed up the process of getting engaged within about a month of meeting Nick, and I assume some of that Bridezilla would inevitably turn into a girlfriend-zilla; which Nick will certainly not tolerate.

Additionally, she gives about 7 cliches for why she would be a grapefruit if she had to be a fruit. They are fine and all, but she ends with “And you have to peel them back to get to the good stuff.” Christen, why can’t you just give me your good stuff? Why do I have to peel shitty stuff away first? Ain’t nobody got time to peel away your grapefruit skin when there are 29 other ladies that have already peeled off theirs: especially Nick Viall.

19. Michelle

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Michelle (abc.com)

 

 

On paper, Michelle seems like she is damn near perfect. She is pretty, has very well worded, thought out answers to the painfully ridiculous questions that ABC asked her, and at the age of 24, she owns her own food truck. She doesn’t just work on a food truck like some of the more awful contestants on Hell’s Kitchen, she owns that shit.

The thing about Michelle, however, is that she may not be able to stand out from the rest of the ladies and I fear she may be eliminated before Nick even has time to ask her what kind of houseplant she would be if she had to be a houseplant. Because I am pretty sure that she would have a perfect answer that would knock his socks off his presumably beautifully manicured feet.

18. Elizabeth

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Elizabeth (abc.com)

 

Strap in folks, we may have a crazy one on our hands. ABC pulled out the big guns when they reached into their bag of nonsensical questions for Elizabeth. The best:

Q: “Do you have any phobias that would prohibit participation in certain activities? (heights, claustrophobia, crowds, darkness, OCD, etc.)”

Elizabeth’s answer: “Claustrophobia and Misophonia – it’s a real thing. Look it up on Google!”

Look at that, Elizabeth is already bossing us around and making us look up shit on google rather than just telling us what the hell misophonia is. But fear not, I being the professional countdown expert that I am, took it upon myself to find out what asinine phobia Elizabeth thought would get her on the show. Her fear: Sound.

My prediction: ABC will make Nick keep Elizabeth until at least week two so he can take her on his first one-on-one to a Disneyland Fireworks Spectacular or something like that, where Nick will be a hero and cover her ears with his perfectly masculine, but not too masculine hands.

Then she will be shown the door in week three and will be terrified of her own sobbing while waiting for her limo to arrive.

17. Danielle L

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Danielle L (abc.com)

 

Danielle’s 3 favorite movies are The Notebook, Love Actually, and A Walk To Remember

Danielle’s favorite book of all time is The 5 Languages of Love! When asked why this is her favorite book, her response was “Discover yourself, your relationship needs. It’s beneficial in all relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers).”

While I have no doubt that Danielle L is on this reality show for “all the right reasons,” I fear that she may be a little too overbearing for Nick to handle. But on a positive note: if there are any sexy single dudes out there that want to cuddle up and have a nice little hyperventilating sob while watching the saddest movies of all time every night, Danielle L should be single in no time.

16. Olivia

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Olivia (abc.com)

 

It is down right astonishing that Olivia is still single as she has the most original way of approaching a man that she is interested in that I have ever heard in my life. So, are you ready to hear Olivia’s key steps to snagging that guy or girl of your dreams………

“It depends on the situation and where we are at, but I would try to make eye contact with him and smile. If he comes over to me, I would introduce myself.”

– Olivia, Bachelor 21 contestant

Well no shit Olivia. Even ABC isn’t stupid enough to think that you wouldn’t first look at the guy, second smile and third, tell the dude your name. All I know

is that I am praying to the reality TV gods that Olivia is one of the ladies that walks into the mansion and forgets to tell Nick her name. Stick to the plan, Olivia. Stick to the plan.

To be fair, if ABC walked up to me and asked me, “If you wanted to approach a woman you had never met before, how would you go about it?” I would be like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But I think even that would be a better answer than “look at them, smile, and say “hello, I’m Ryan” IF they came over to me.”

 

For ladies 15-11 Click here.

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Ranking All 10 The Voice Winners By Their Blind Audition

With the season 11 finale just hours away, it is a perfect time to take a look back at the first ten seasons of NBC’s The Voice winners. Back in season 1, Javier Colon only had to sing four times to make it to the 2011 finale. Contrast that with last season’s winner, Alisan Porter, who had to sing nine times to make it to her finale, and the deck is already stacked against Colon if the ranking went by best overall performance.

So the only fair way to rank the winners is to judge them by their blind audition that started their paths to victory.

So below, are the ten audition songs from each of the first ten winners of The Voice, ranked in order of least to most impressive.

The Final 4 Season 11 Contestants. (usatoday.com)

 

First Ten The Voice Winners

10. Jermaine Paul (Season 2) – “Complicated”

Let me make this abundantly clear; not only did I purchase this studio version on iTunes, but I have listened to it more than any other audition song in The Voice history. The studio version trumps this blind audition in comparison. But, judging just on this performance alone, it is miles behind all nine other auditions.

 

9. Sawyer Fredericks (Season 8) “I’m A Man Of Constant Sorrow”

While Frederick’s audition was incredible, looking back at his season, this was nowhere near his best song. This kid was flawless all season, and just kept getting better and better each week. Unlike some of the winners, his blind audition just blended in with the rest of his songs.

8. Daniele Bradbery (Season 4) “Mean”

Bradbery is undeniably one of the most successful winners the show has had throughout its ten seasons. “Mean” was a perfect song to highlight Bradbery’s niche, but she blew herself out of the water with some of her later performances in season 6. So looking back, “Mean” was just an average Daniele Bradbery performance.

7. Josh Kaufman (Season 6) “One More Try”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZvJdlmIZDQ

Unlike Fredericks, this was one of Kaufman’s most impressive performances of the season. The judges, and the public, were all baffled by how good it was, and Kaufman instantly became a frontrunner. Unfortunately for Kaufman, he, and “One More Try” are just not as memorable as the other six Voice winner’s blind auditions. He was by far my favorite all season, and I still barely remember him.

 

6. Craig Wayne Boyd (Season 7) “The Whiskey Ain’t Workin'”

Boyd was eliminated not once, but twice during season 7, only to be saved by Gwen Stefani the first time, and Blake Shelton the second. With that being said, his audition was one of the best country audition songs the show has ever seen. And likely a large reason why the coaches insisted on saving him repeatedly.

5. Tessanne Chin (Season 5) – “Try”

It took Jamacian Tessanne Chin about 15 seconds to turn all four judge’s chairs with her version of P!nk’s “Try.” Chin had more impressive songs that she could have used for the finale, but she ultimately decided on singing “Try” again, which certainly played a large role in why she won season 5.

4. Javier Colon (Season 1) “Time After Time”

Being first has its advantages. While “Time After Time” wasn’t the best performance of the season, it was an introduction to a stand out talent that the audience could get behind. Javier was a fan favorite from episode one because of this song, and rode that momentum right to the finale of the first season.

If you can get past how much younger Levine and Shelton looked just over five years ago, you will see a performance that ignited The Voice franchise and helped to make it the best singing competition show on television.

3. Alisan Porter (Season 10) “Blue Bayou”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Td2gteczj3s

After this 90 second performance, Porter all but secured herself a position in the finals. Sure, she was a well known child actor, but “Blue Bayou” proved to America that she deserved her shot at success in the music business.

 

2. Jordan Smith (Season 9) “Chandelier”

Jordan Smith absolutely dominated season 9, and nobody else even had a fair chance. It was his to lose after the first 30 seconds of this song. Complete and utter domination started with “Chandelier” and concluded one year ago this week, with Smith winning season 9 of The Voice.

1. Cassadee Pope (Season 3) “Torn”

Without question, Pope is the most successful The Voice winner to date. Unlike most of the other winners, Pope can do it all: country, pop, rock, and even emo. She is The Voice’s version of Kelly Clarkson, and as the years go on, she continues to distance herself from the rest of The Voice winners in terms of her success. Her “Torn” performance was just that, a performance, not an audition.

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

30. Hailey, 23 – Photographer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Hailey. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Hailey is definitely not ranked last because she in unattractive, because that is certainly not the case. In fact, none of the ladies are unattractive because if they were, they wouldn’t be on The Bachelor 21. She is ranked last because she has the bitchiest bio picture in 21 seasons of show. Hailey is a photographer, so she must have been well aware of how she looked when taking the picture. She probably even looked at the proofs and said to the photographer, “Let me give you a little bit bitchier.”

Also, when asked by the producers if she was a romantic, her response was, “No. I’m very passionate and can be intense but I’m not into making out all the time and being sang to.” There is less than a zero percent chance that Nick Viall will ever pick a woman that is not romantic. Sure, Hailey easily could have won Juan Pablo’s Bachelor season, but she will only be on this season for the drama. And once the producers have squeezed every last drop of drama out of her, they will allow Nick to dramatically send her home on a two-on-one date (coincidentally being beaten out by her number one rival.)

29. Jaimi, 28 – Chef

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jaimi. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Strikes against Jaimi:

  • Her tattoos are……. “Forever Smiles,” “To Die For,” and get this… a symbol of her initials. Her own initials. Is it just me, or is that very bizarre to have a tattoo of your own initials?
  • When she wants to impress a guy, she bench presses him with her legs. I will bet my life that one of the only shots we see of Jaimi and Nick interacting will be of Jaimi attempting to bench press Nick with her legs on night one. Then of him hugging her goodbye.
  • She refers to herself as a Pesco-Pollo-Lacto-Ovo-Paro-Tarian. And she wonders why she is single.

 

28. Josephine, 24 – Unemployed Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Josephine. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Out of all the contestants, Tori Spelling…… I mean, Josephine looks most like she is heading to the prom. I am no hair and makeup expert, but her hair looks like it took hours to perfect. Good for Josephine that she wants to look good for Nick, but couple her prom hair-do with her over-the-top diamond necklace, and it looks like Josephine will be more concerned with playing dress up than focusing on finding love.

 

27. Ida Marie, 23 – Sales Manager

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Ida Marie. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Ida Marie had absolutely no problem answering the question, “If you could be any fruit or vegetable what would you be?” Her response: “Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine.”

However when asked the arduous question of “What is your favorite book of all time and why?” she was stumped. Her response: “I need to read more books.”

Ida Marie couldn’t even think of one book ever written. Therefore her response to the question “Who is your favorite author?” will not come as a surprise to you… “Again, I need to read more books.”

26. Taylor, 23 – Mental Health Counselor

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Taylor. photo credit: abc.com)

 

Taylor is 23 years old, but looks like she is in high school in her bio pic. And her answer of what she hates when her date does only confirms that she is way too young for Nick. She hates when her date only talks about himself OR only asks about her.

Might I recommend Taylor’s gift to Nick on opening night be a speaker’s staff, which was used by indigenous peoples of aboriginal democracies in order to indicate whose turn it was to be allowed to speak.

A modern day talking stick that may be used in an elementary school classroom to indicate who has to shut the hell up. (photo credit: bgracebullock.com)

 

After patiently awaiting his turn to speak, a Kwakwaka’wakw man is about to spill all the juicy drama going around the tribe now that he has his Speaker’s Staff. (photo credit: Edward J. Curtis)

 

And the nail in the coffin for why she is way too young for Nick is because she says that one of the ways she tries to impress a guy is to “look bomb.” Nick is 36. Does he really want his wife to say she looks bomb? Of course not.

 

25. Alexis, 23 – Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Alexis.     photo credit: abc.com)

 

Alexis looks like she is about to cry  from being forced to smile for the photographer for so long. She looks exactly like I look when I am waiting for a picture to be taken and the person taking my picture is taking way too long to take the damn picture. I can actually hear her saying “Hurry-The-F@*K-UP” just by looking at her picture.

Alexis is 23 years old whose occupation is “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer.” When asked what fictional character she would be, her response was “The Little Mermaid. Who doesn’t want to be a mermaid?” Ummm, I know who doesn’t want to be a mermaid, Alexis…..me! And you know who else…..

THE LITTLE FRIGGIN’ MERMAID HERSELF!

 

24. Briana, 28 – Surgical Unit Nurse

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Briana.                 photo credit: abc.com)

 

The reason Briana is ranked so low is because I think she is lying about her entire life. I was 100% convinced that her occupation was going to be “NFL Cheerleader.” Or at least “Former College Cheerleader.” Or “Cheerleading Coach.” Or possibly even “Aspiring NFL Cheerleading Coach.”

But she didn’t mention cheerleading ONE SINGLE TIME in her bio. She didn’t list Bring It On  as her favorite movie. Nor does she mention pom-poms as one of the five things she can’t live without. And she didn’t even mention being a member of the bronze medalists team in the 2010 National Cheer and Dance Competition as her biggest accomplishment to date.

Therefore, she is lying. And Nick doesn’t want, or deserve liars in his life.

23. Jasmine G, 29 – Pro Basketball Dancer

(Bachelor 21 Contestant, Jasmine G. Photo Credit: abc.com)

 

Jasmine G seems like a cool enough girl. But if she wins the lottery, the first thing she would buy would be socks because she can never find them. That means one of two things: either Jasmine G ‘s bedroom is extraordinarily messy, or her bedroom is extraordinarily messy. Get your shit together, Jasmine G.

Additionally, there are two Jasmine’s that look similar, so in order to avoid any confusion, Nick will eliminate one Jasmine very early on and my money is on one-sock Jasmine.

 

22. Dominique, 25 – Restaurant Server

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Dominique. Photo credit: abc.com)

 

Dominique has some of the most perfect answers to the stupid questions that ABC thinks has anything to do with finding love. If she had to be an animal, she would be a bird because she loves to travel, and she would be able to see the world. Great answer. If she had to be a fruit, she would be a pineapple because she is hard on the outside and sweet on the inside. Especially great answer if she was trying to be risqué.

Unfortunately, Dominique may be too sweet to stand out from the divas and get lost in the shuffle. Additionally, she is a restaurant server living in L.A. (i.e. she is an aspiring something.) You know what that means: Nick and the other ladies will not be able to help but wonder if she is “there for the right reasons” and Nick will release this bird from her cage and she will be able to spread her wings and fly right back down the road to her LA home.

 

21. Brittany, 26 – Travel Nurse

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Brittany. (Photo credit: abc.com)

Brittany’s answers to her questionnaire must have been so boring that they decided to use the valuable real estate space to include the riveting question of “How much do you like camping?” in her bio. Her response: “A lot! As long as it’s not cold outside.”

Another fascinating question the producers included, “Do you prefer team sports or solo sports and why?” This resulted in the most painfully boring answer you could imagine: “Team: I love some competition and it makes it more exciting and a good time.”

God. Help. Nick.

For Ladies #20-16 Click Here.