Author Archives: Ryan Jacobson

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Noah’s Top 5 Accomplishments (Genesis 5-9)

Noah is by far one of the most popular figures in the Bible, and deservingly so. Without Noah, the Great Flood would have killed every living thing, and God would have had to make another Adam and Eve from scratch, and at that point God was so mad at people that he may have just scratched the whole idea of humans altogether. He also would have to make all of the animals again, and that seems like an awful lot of work. Noah’s loyalty to God is quite admirable, especially since God asked Noah to do so much work. But, Noah’s accomplishments go far beyond the story of the Ark. The following are the 5 greatest accomplishments that Noah achieved during Genesis 5-9 (ranked in order of least impressive to most impressive.)

5. Noah Dies at the age of 950

(photo made by R. Jacobson)

(photo made by R. Jacobson)

WAY back in the day, people use to live to be like 900 years old. I don’t know why, but it wasn’t like some freak thing, like everyone did. Also, from what I gather, people didn’t typically have kids until they were like in their 300’s. I am pretty sure I was born in the wrong era, because I totally would have a kid when I am 350 years old. Why the hell not?

Anyway, Noah was no exception. He was around 500 when he had his 3 sons, around 600 when the floods came, and around 950 when he died. But what makes Noah so special is that he is known as the last guy that lived to be nearly a thousand years old. After Noah died, the life spans drops significantly, and people only live to be around 120 years old. This is mainly because God got real pissed that men started lusting over women and the general behavior of human being, what with all the fighting and all. So he decided to put a cap on how long they were going to live. I guess everyone was real bad back in Noah’s time, and God was so mad at everyone that he decided to clean them all out and start again with nice guy Noah and his family.

4. Noah Found A Lot of Animals.

(photo credit: blogs.timesofisrael.com)

(photo credit: blogs.timesofisrael.com)

 

Not only did Noah find a male and female of every animal, but he had the skills needed to lead them onto an ark. That is crazy. I lost a cat one time, and I couldn’t find it in my own backyard. This guy finds a male and female of every animal and successfully convinces them to line up in an orderly fashion (this is what I am imagining anyway. There is no proof of it being orderly in the Bible) and keep them all from killing each other while they are on the Great Flood cruise for over a year. Impressive indeed, Noah.

3. Noah Lived on the Ark for Over a Year.

Noah, chilling on his balcony and sending out a dove to see if there is dry land yet. (photo credit: onedayworkweek.wordpress.com)

Noah, chilling on his balcony and sending out a dove to see if there is dry land yet. (photo credit: onedayworkweek.wordpress.com)

 

If you have ever been on a cruise, you may know that spending over a week on the water is just long enough, any longer and you would not only become homesick for dry land, but you would also probably throw your loved ones overboard seeing as you are physically unable to get away from them for more than a few minutes time. In addition to this, your resources are limited, and it is only a matter of time before you run out of supplies. It rained for 4o days and 40 nights, and then it took a long time for Noah and his posse to be able to return to dry land. God made sure that Noah took enough food for himself, his family, and all the animals for their entire time on the ark. And here I am, too lazy to cook dinner.
Not only was Noah floating around with thousands of animals, but he was forced to take his wife, 3 boys, and 3 daughters-in-law with him. Imagine being on an ark with only your family for over a year, and tell me that Noah doesn’t deserve all the recognition that he has attained over the years, simply for not jumping overboard.

2. Noah Builds the Ark

I stumbled upon what I believe is an actual picture of Noah building his ark. Noah is believed to be in the center wearing a white button down and Levi Jeans. (photo credit: www.worldwideweirdnews.com)

I stumbled upon what I believe is an actual picture of Noah building his ark. Noah is believed to be in the center wearing a white button down and Levi Jeans. OMG is that God at the bottom left? (photo credit: www.worldwideweirdnews.com)

 

It is said to have taken Noah around 15o years to build the ark. God gave Noah very specific instructions as to how to build the ark, and Noah paid very careful attention to detail. If Noah decided to cut some corners, the ark would not have been able to survive the torrential storm, and all the animals and his entire family would have drowned with the rest of humanity. It takes a very special person to be able to spend 150 years building something that will be responsible for saving humanity. One time it took me like 4 hours to build a dresser that I bought at Ikea, and although I thought about giving up many times, I was beaming with pride when my work was complete. Luckily Noah had the patience and wearwithal to perform such an important task.

1. Noah Plants a Vineyard, Makes Wine and is Potentially the First Person to Ever Get Drunk

Noah waking up from his drunken wine induced sleep. Been there buddy. And look at his sons judging him. Leave the guy alone. He is like 800 and saved the world. He can get his drink on if he wants to. (photo credit: ourfamilybiblestudy.wordpress.com)

Noah waking up from his drunken wine induced sleep. Been there buddy. And look at his sons judging him. Leave the guy alone. He is like 800 and saved the world. He can get his drink on if he wants to. (photo credit: ourfamilybiblestudy.wordpress.com)

 

After Noah successfully saved the world and the human race, he could have relaxed and lived out the remainder of his 350 years chilling in his tent and watching his sons create what will become the population of all the nations of the world.

But, Noah was an overachiever, and didn’t stop at simply repopulating the universe. He decided to plant, what is known as the first documented vineyard in history. Years after the flood, Noah took to working on a farm. It was during this time that he planted the first vineyard and produced what we now know as wine. (If you read my last Bible related countdown, I know what you’re thinking… and the answer is yes….. Noah is now by far my favorite biblical figure of all time.)

So, one night, Noah drinks way too much wine and passes out in his tent….. NAKED. (If I wasn’t so frightened of so many animals, I would begin to think that I may be Noah reincarnated, but alas, I am terrified of birds, spiders, snakes, reptiles, fish, and many dogs, so I am definitely not Noah. Although I do take after his love of the fermented grape, and the side effects that come with drinking too much of it.)

Now here is the part of Noah’s story that gets a little bizarre. The night that Noah passed out drunk on wine and naked in his tent, one of his sons, Ham, walked in and found him. Ham left the tent and told his two brothers of their dad’s situation. They then went in with a robe, backwards, so they didn’t see their drunk naked dad, and covered him.

When Noah woke up all hungover, he got real pissed at Ham for some unknown reason. Maybe because he didn’t cover him? Nobody really knows, as the Bible does not go into detail about why Noah got so mad. But he was so angry that he put a curse o

n Ham’s son, Ca’Naan, and made him become a servant for his two uncles. He then said how much he loves his two other kids (the ones that covered him,) and hope that they multiply and have amazing lives. It is really uncool of Noah to punish poor Ca’Naan for his dad’s actions, but after planting the first vineyard of all time, Noah can do no wrong in my eyes.

A few hundred years later, Noah died at the ripe age of 950. Now, if everyone can celebrate the life of this great man, and get drunk on wine tonight and pass out naked in their living rooms, it would be very much appreciated.

#RIPNOAH   #ThanksForInventingWine

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Ranking the Coolest Bible Characters (Genesis 1-4)

This year I have decided to read the Bible every night as part of my Lenten promise. As you probably know, the Bible is extraordinarily difficult to understand, as it was written about 30 million years ago (or something like that) and they spoke very differently back in the day. So I have decided to make it my Christian duty to summarize my nightly readings and create easy-to-read countdowns highlighting what I deem to be the most important/interesting parts of the scripture.

First of all, I get it. You have a lot of responsibilities when you are trying to start a world, and there is little time for having fun and being funny. But, some people were just much cooler than others, plain and simple. And this leads me to my first Bible related countdown: Ranking the 6 main characters in the first 4 chapters of Genesis based on how cool they are.

6. Eve

(photo credit: 123rf.com)

(photo credit: 123rf.com)

Not only did Eve eat the ONLY THING that God asked her not to eat, but she also made her husband eat it too. And all because the Serpent told her it was ok? Why the hell would she listen to the Serpent, first of all? Second of all, she tried to blame the Serpent when God caught her and was pissed at her, which is ridiculous. I understand that God was probably very intimidating, but have some dignity and take the punishment like a woman rather than trying to pin the blame on the Serpent.

For fear of sounding sexist due to the fact that I ranked the only woman on the countdown last, I took the poll to the streets. I interviewed Ms. Rebecca Gallucci*, catholic school college graduate, and self-proclaimed “sporadic Bible reader”, and asked her for her opinion on Eve.

“She ruined it for all of us” says Gallucci, referring to Eve’s moment of weakness. Gallucci later went on to say…

“Had Eve not eaten that apple, we all could be having a blast in the Garden of Eden right now, instead of here at work.”

Gallucci, brings up a valid point. What if Eve hadn’t eaten of the forbidden fruit? Would we all be living blissfully frolicking in paradise, or would some other weak-minded person stroll along. INTERESTING FACT: There has not been a mother that has not been a buzzkill since Eve. She really started an awfully annoying trend that has lasted for a gazillion years.

5. Cain

Here is a photo of Cain murdering his bro. I believe this is right around the time that the polaroid camera was invented. While the actual photographer in unknown, the image came from bible.wikia.com

(Here is a photo of Cain murdering his bro. I believe this is right around the time that the polaroid camera was invented. While the actual photographer in unknown, the image came from bible.wikia.com)

Cain is known as the first murderer of all time, but is still ranked a notch higher than his buzzkill mother. Cain sucks not only because he killed his bro, but he also because he couldn’t do anything right. When God was hungry, Cain brought him fruit. Come on, Cain. When GOD is hungry he needs something a little more substantial than a few pieces of fruit.

Eventually God made Cain leave the Garden of Eden and just walk around in the desert. He also put a curse on Cain that nobody could ever kill him, and if they did, God would kill that person and seven of their family members. God hated Cain so much that he didn’t want to give him the pleasure of dying. And if God hates you that much, you really must be a complete jerk. I wonder if Cain is still walking around in the desert somewhere? Hopefully I find out what happened to him in the next few chapters. The suspense is killing me.

4. God

(photo credit: almightygod.wordpress.com)

(OMG! photo credit: almightygod.wordpress.com)

God was a complete superstar the first 2 chapters of Genesis. He made the Earth, and Heaven, and the Sea, and every animal of all time, and the sun and moon and stars, and a bunch of other stuff. Then he rested for a day, which is totally awesome. There is nothing I love more than a good day of resting.
Then a fully rested God mustered up the strength to make Adam out of dirt and dust, which is incredibly impressive. I can’t even make a stick figure out of Play Doh, but I digress.
My confusion about God comes in chapter 3 and involves the forbidden fruit. If God didn’t want them to eat it so bad, why put it there? Why not put the tree somewhere else? And why make it so tempting? I feel as though there was a bit of foul play on God’s part. He basically set Eve and Adam up for failure, which is not cool.
This doesn’t negate the fact that God gave them everything else, which was so nice of him, but it is kind of equivalent to parents taking their children on a vacation to Orlando and saying to them “we can go wherever we want in Orlando, but we can not go to Disney World. And the kids have a great time at Universal Studios, and visiting Hard Rock Cafes for dinner, and playing mini-golf at one of the many miniature golf courses in Orlando. But, the parents always drive them past the Magic Kingdom, and Epcot, and Hollywood Studios, and the Animal Kingdom and let their children have a good look at how amazing it is and how much fun all the children are having. But the parents keep telling them, whatever you do, don’t EVER go to Disney World, but feel free to visit the Orlando Museum of Art, or the Orlando Fairgrounds Flea Market. And then, one day, after years of being told they can not go to Disney World, they see a mouse, and the mouse ACTUALLY TALKS TO THEM and it says to the children that their parents told him that it was OK for them to go to Disney World today, so the mouse will pick them up in an hour. So, the kids go to Disney World. And then their parents find out they went to Disney World, and they get pissed and then they say they can never go on any vacations ever again. Then the kids are like, “thanks a lot mouse, you got us in trouble, and now we can never do anything fun ever again.”

Is that the children’s fault? Or is it the parents fault? And that is why God is ranked at number 4. I am sure he will make a few more appearances in the story and will improve on the rankings, but for now, I am still a little bit bitter that he kept the forbidden tree so close to Adam and Eve.

 

3. The Serpent

(photo credit) searchforbibletruths.blogspot.com)

(photo credit: searchforbibletruths.blogspot.com)

If God was mad at Eve and Adam, he was really, really mad at the Serpent. I actually feel a bit bad for the Serpent. I am a huge fan of playing pranks and joking around with people. The Serpent probably thought that there was absolutely NO WAY that Eve would be stupid enough to believe him that it was alright to eat the apple. Because really, why would she believe the Serpent over the word of God?
So, the Serpent decided to play a little joke on Eve and tell her that God said it was okay to eat the apple. He was probably in shock that she actually ate the apple, and ruined eternity for every single human being of all time.

If I was having a great time at a bar with my friends, but one of my friends had to leave to go to work, I would probably go to the bathroom and call my friend that had to leave from my cell phone. I would use a fake, funny, voice with a ridiculous accent and pretend that I was his or her boss and tell them that they didn’t have to come in to work today, and that they can stay at the bar and continue to have fun with their friends. Now, if my stupid friend didn’t see my number come up on caller ID, and if he was dumb enough to not be able to tell that it was drunk me on the other end of the phone, I would not feel that bad if he didn’t go to work, and ended up getting fired. A joke is a joke, and I feel as though the Serpent was just trying to have a little bit of fun with Eve. (Yes, I am saying that if I was born 925 million years ago, I would probably have been the funny Serpent that made that idiot Eve ruin the world.)

2. Abel

(photo credit: shepherdproject.com)

(Able, being murdered. photo credit: shepherdproject.com)

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD:…………….. Abel dies.

I feel so bad for Abel. As a younger brother myself, I can totally relate to what it was probably like to have a brother like Cain. The above picture could easily be a still frame of my brother and I at any point from 1985-1997 and I was always the only lying down, just like Abel. My older brother was above me, squeezing my arm so hard, and inflicting pain to my sensitive wrists. Luckily my brother loves me way more than Cain loved Abel, and he never murdered me, only beat me up occasionally. Love you, brother, and thanks for never murdering me. XOXOXO
Abel also gave God Lamb when God was hungry, unlike his useless brother that just gave God some dirty fruit.

I am always shocked at how soon Abel gets killed off, and wish we got to see more of him. I am, however, confident that Abel is up there in Heaven and smiling down on younger brothers everywhere. Thanks Abe

1. Adam

( photo credit: bibleversesabout.org)

(Adam, eating the non-forbidden fruit before Eve shows up and ruins his life. photo credit: bibleversesabout.org)

I am aware of the fact that Adam ate the apple too, but it was not until Eve asked him to, and had already eaten the apple herself. He probably figured, “well, we are totally screwed anyway, so I might as well have a few bites.”
I feel bad for Adam. He was killing it before his wife arrived. He got to name every living creature, which is awesome. Although, if that were my job, I would have tried to come up with much funnier names so that everyone always had to say that name when they were talking about that animal for the rest of time. Like instead of cow, I would have named it zingschwak or something. I loved what he did with Emus. It is such a fun word to say, and I wish that he used more words like that. He also nailed platypus. How can the same guy that came up with emu, platypus, and porcupine, also come up with ant, dog, and bird. He must have run out of funny names, I suppose.
Anyway, Adam was put into a deep sleep by God, so God could take out one of his ribs to create his awful wife, Eve. This must have been the best, deepest sleep ever. I am imagining it must have been like one of my sleeps when I take a full cup of Nyquil and then a little extra sip out of the bottle, but I will never know for sure.
We all owe a great deal to Adam for being our greatest great grandfather of all time, and for putting up with Eve for so many years.

Funniest line:

“And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.”

Can we please make it a thing to start saying “they knew each other” instead of saying “they did it.”

There is nothing I want to say more than “I know who you knew last summer.”

NEXT UP: Genesis 5-8 (We are going to meet Noah, and it is going to rain for like 300,000 years.)

* A special shout-out to contributor Rebecca Gallucci. To hear more about her hatred of Eve, or to hear what she has to say about being healthy visit her blog at thehauteholistic.com

If you would like to be interviewed for a Bible related countdown, or would like to share your favorite Genesis 1-4 star, contact me at rjacob21@gmail.com or leave a comment below.

SEE ALSO: Top 5 Reason Why Noah is Such a Stud

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Ranking the Cast of Survivor Kaoh Rong: Brains Vs. Brawn Vs. Beauty 2

After the epic 31st season of Survivor, the cast of Survivor: Kaoh Rong has the tremendously difficult task of living up to its predecessor. So what better way to make sure it is a successful season than to bring back an old twist?  After all, it worked so well with Blood Vs. Water 2. Yes, that is an attempt at sarcasm.

The promos are promising this to be the most brutal season of all time, with multiple injuries, evacuations, and mid-challenge “Probst pauses” to check on boo boos attained by the castaways. And what better time than right after the football season has ended. Survivor: Kaoh Rong will be just what you need to fill the missing gap in your life of watching people get injured. Only now, instead of screaming at your TV “JUST ROLL HIM OFF THE FIELD AND CARRY ON WITH THE GAME.” You can scream “JUST ROLL THEM OFF TO THE SIDE AND FINISH THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE.”

After countless hours of watching the cast’s video introductions on cbs.com (which I had to suffer through watching the same Valentine’s commercial about being in love with your best friend 18 times in row) I feel as though I am prepared to make my bold predictions as to who will win the thirty-second installment of televisions longest running competitive reality show. Can I publicly predict the winner 2 years in a row? You’re damn right I can.

Introducing the Survivor: Kaoh Rong castaways (ranked in order of the likelihood of them winning season 32) AS ALWAYS: ALL COUNTDOWNS ARE SPOILER FREE AND BASED SOLELY ON THE OPINION OF THE AUTHOR. Should you have your hands on any spoilers, please take them elsewhere.

18. Nick (Beauty Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

I certainly hope that this is just a case of somebody playing it up for the camera during interviews, because based on his intro video, this guy seems to be one of the least likable people that has ever played the game.

First off, he is a “life coach” and during his interview he basically says that his job is a bunch of B.S. and that the things he “coaches” his clients through is just common sense. He then goes on to share that he is really good at pretending to care what other people are saying because he has to pretend that he cares what his clients are telling him. I am sure that his clients love hearing that he could not care any less about them and thinks they lack any and all common sense.

There is no chance. Literally not a shot in hell, that this guy wins this game. He may stick around for a while based on the fact that he is one of only 2 strong alpha males on his tribe, but he could have the strength of the Incredible Hulk and his tribe would still vote him off eventually for being so arrogant and pompous.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION- He is voted out before the merge, and will be blindsided by the ladies of the tribe. The same ones that he thinks he has wrapped around his finger.

17. Alecia (Brawn Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

The fact that Alecia is 24 and has seemingly completed her bucket list already, is quite impressive. She seems like she is determined to prove her strength and does not back down from confrontation. This may not bode to well for Alecia on the Brawn tribe. The other 2 females on her tribe are much bigger and tougher than she is. Her “I’m a tough girl because I do adventurous activities, and am an adrenaline junkie” persona may work in the real world, but I don’t expect it to hold up enough to be a valuable asset to the Brawn tribe.

If she can survive long enough to merge with the other tribes, I can see her aligning with some of the Brains or Beauty girls, but if the Brawn tribe loses even one immunity challenge before any swaps or merges, Alecia is toast.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION – Pre Merge. First off the Brawn tribe. If they do not lose, she will survive a few more weeks, but will be out early merge for being seen as a flipper for trying to go against her former Brawn tribe that she couldn’t stand.

16. Caleb (Beauty Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Big Brother’s Beast Mode Cowboy is back to try his hand at another reality show. If you watched Caleb on Big Brother you know that he is a nice guy. He is also funny, loyal, handsome, and genuine (And if you didn’t know that, I am sure he will tell you a few times during episode 1.) But you also may know that he does not have all that much going on upstairs (and if you didn’t know that, I am sure you will see proof of that many times during episode 1.)

I expect Caleb to play Survivor the same way he played Big Brother. He will be loyal to a fault to his alliance, but he will not make bold enough moves to win the game. The first time that his alliance is not in the majority, Caleb will likely be voted off. He will be a challenge threat, he will be a threat to win in the finals due to how likable he is, and he will be seen as a threat simply for playing Big Brother before.

If, by some miracle he is in the final 3, the jury will love him, and that is always a huge plus. But likability aside, will he be able to articulate to a jury why he should win the game? Very, very unlikely.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION: Caleb will be out around the merge. And at the reunion, Probst will make it a point to force Caleb to explain how much harder it is to play Survivor than Big Brother. 

15. Julia (Beauty Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Julia is 18 years old. EIGHTEEN. As she explained in her interview, less than one year ago she was sitting in a classroom raising her hand to ask her teachers if she could use the bathroom.

While Julia is certainly well-traveled and has a significant amount of life experiences for someone of her age, she is going to be way out of her league for the harsh elements that are supposedly in store for her in Cambodia. She could be in danger of going home pre merge, should her tribe lose a few times, but I expect her to make it mid jury, and be the last of her alliance to be voted out, as she will not be seen as much of a threat.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTIONS: Mid jury, I’ll go with 7th place. Should she make it to the end of the game, it will be because someone carried her there. She will not be the mastermind behind any big game moves, and therefore, I have a very hard time seeing a scenario in which a jury would reward a quasi-deserving 18 year old with a million dollars.

14. Debbie (Brains Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Despite being the oldest woman in the game, Debbie will not be a challenge liability. She seems to be extraordinarily educated, and in great physical shape. The issue Debbie will have is her social game. Will she be able to fit in with the younger crowd?Debbie seems to be a bit of an oddball. (Her biggest pet peeve is the idolization of garish). Umm, what the….

She reminds me of Denise, winner of Survivor: Philippines, except for the fact that Denise was a bit more down to Earth, and blended in a bit more than Debbie will. If she can manage to form some bonds with some of the younger guys, like Denise, she could cruise to the end of the game, and have a very good shot at winning it all. If, however, she does not focus on her relationships, she could find herself being voted out in no time.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION: Debbie is a complete wild card that will determine her own fate simply by her relationships with the tribe. If she fails to form bonds, which is what I am leaning towards at the moment, she will be out immediately, maybe even first.

13. Elisabeth (Brains Tribe)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

(photo credit: cbs.com)

Elisabeth is going into the game with the expectation of being a villain. While that may mean that she will not be scared to make some big moves, I don’t see it working out too well for her. She will try to make too many big moves, and will get caught. She may be too intelligent for her own good (she got a perfect score on her SAT’s) as she may think that her intelligence in real life will help her fool her competitors in the game.
Her intelligence may help her figure out some puzzles quickly, but will have nothing to do with helping people want to align with someone that they don’t perceive as loyal. She will flirt with all of the boys, but the only thing that will do is make the girls distrust her more, and work harder to get her voted off.

FINAL PLACEMENT PREDICTION: Pre merge – early merge. Maybe even the first one booted from the merged tribe.

Part 2 (#12-7) Click Here.

Head over to cbs.com to see the castaways for yourself and make your own predictions. Agree with the predictions? Disagree? Comment below and let us hear what you have to say.