Coley seems like the most average guy in the bunch. He is wearing a normal clothes, has average facial hair, is photogenic, but not distractingly handsome, and most importantly, is not wearing a rolled up bandana-tie around his neck. All of this is fantastic for Coley. In the real world.
However, on The Bachelorette, Coley will not stand out enough to gain JoJo’s attention, and as a result, will be an early casualty.
On a side note: I do not think I have ever seen anyone smile that hard in my life. Good for him.
19. Jake
This image was snapped immediately after Jake told a joke, and realized that nobody was going to laugh at it. (photo credit: abc.com)
There are 2 reasons why Jake will never win The Bachelorette. Well, 3 reasons, but I will leave the third reason up to your imagination.
When asked what his favorite movies were, his response was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. That is like saying Scream 9 is my favorite horror movie of all time. Except worse.
When asked where he sees himself in 5 years, his response was “married to the Bachelorette and with their first child.” Not JoJo, “the bachelorette. Whoever that may be, he doesn’t care. All he knows is that he wants to be married to her in 5 years, and have her child. That is like saying, “I’m going to the mall tonight and all I know is that in 5 years, I want to be married and have a baby with whoever is at the checkout counter at H&M.”
18. Ali
Prince Ali-Ababba (photo credit: abc.com)
I am pretty sure that the producers created Ali in some sort of computer animation lab that turns cartoon characters into real life humans, as Ali is some sort of odd hybrid between Disney’s Aladdin and Sesame Street’s The Count.
(photo credit: ohmy.disney.com)
(photo credit: muppet.wikia.com)
All that aside, Ali seems like a genuinely nice guy that any girl would be lucky to have. However, he seems like the farthest thing from JoJo’s type as humanly possible. Hopefully being a nice guy will at least allow him to stick around for a few weeks, and have a nice vacation hanging out with some new bros.
17. James F
Is it just me, or does James F’s shirt look like 4 sizes too big for him? He is swimming in a sea of red plaid. (photo credit: abc.com)
The most interesting bio bit on James F’s contestant page is the fact that he has three tattoos. ALL OF WHICH HE WANTS TO GET COVERED UP. So….. this guy either makes completely irrational, spur of the moment decisions, or he has no idea what he wants to do with his body or his life. I get regretting one tattoo and wanting it covered up. Maybe two. Or possibly even three if you have your entire body covered in ink. But, having ONLY 3 tattoos and regretting them ALL, is just a red flag for me.
James F is also a boxing club owner, so I am expecting him to not back down from a fight. I am predicting some sort of altercation with James F and another Bachelor this summer when he returns for Bachelor Pad or whatever the hell they call that show now.
16. James S
Bachelor Superfan, James S (photo credit: abc.com)
The main reason I enjoy The Bachelor/ette is because I am addicted to elimination shows and I draft teams with friends and compete for cash. (No, I don’t IRS, I am just kidding.) I do not discriminate when it comes to drafting my Reality TV teams, and do not limit myself to shows that “men” should be watching. Sure, I draft teams for “manly shows” like Ink Master, The Ultimate Fighter, and Top Shot, but I also draft teams, and watch shows that are a bit more embarrassing, such as Project Runway, Face Off, and Dancing With the Stars.
With that being said, James S identifies himself as a Bachelor SUPERFAN. Not only is that a bit strange, but it leads me to believe that he is not on the show to find love, but to experience what it is like to be on TheBachelorette.
Once JoJo catches wind that James S is a SUPERFAN, she will laugh in his face, and show him the door. I predict that James S will cry harder than any contestant in the history of The Bachelorette when he gets eliminated on night one.
Finally, I typically do not like to talk negatively about people’s appearances, but I am pretty sure his face is made of plastic.
15. Vinny
Who is this
guys barber? (photo credit: abc.com)
I know, I know, I know, I JUST got done saying that I don’t like to make fun of people’s appearances, but the VERY FIRST thing I said when I saw Vinny was “yikes, look at his hair.” And then the first thing I read about him was that he is A BARBER!
I am not kidding you people. I can’t make this shit up.
To be honest, I stopped there with Vinny’s bio, because I was in such shock. Feel free to read his bio and learn about him yourselves.
Take a deep breath, break out your box of wine, and open up that fresh box of Puffs Plus Lotion Facial Tissues, Bachelor Nation, your guilty pleasure is back, and this is sure to be the most dramatic season of any show in television history… Just like every other season.
Season 12 of The Bachelorette begins with a new batch of 26 studs vying for the attention of former Bachelor reject, JoJo Fletcher. JoJo was a standout on last season, but let’s face it… she is basically only the bachelorette because Ben told her he loved her and then dumped her the next day. And, perhaps most importantly, because she has controversial brothers that will interrogate the final few poor saps that end up meeting them at the end of JoJo’s journey to find her second true soul mate in a matter of 9 months (third if we count her former real life boyfriend, Chad, who she may or may not still be stringing along just in case this Bachelorette thing doesn’t play out the way she wants it to.)
This season, as with all seasons prior, the batch of men is an uneven mix of roughly 6 serious contenders and 20 loose cannons whose sole purpose will be to get too drunk to attend the first rose ceremony, jump into the pool naked, fight with the guys, “shockingly” get the last rose at the first 5 rose ceremonies, and dress in crazy costumes the first night to gain the attention of JoJo and to make up for the fact that they are complete sociopaths. Hint to all future Bachelor/ette contestants: if you get the final rose at the first rose ceremony, you are going to be portrayed as the nut case that all of America was sure would be eliminated, but the producers make the lead pick you to stick around for a month in order to make you look crazy and make America hate you as much as humanly possible.
So who will win JoJo’s heart for a few months until she gets back with her crazy ex-boyfriend, Chad? Read on to find out who I think has the best chance.
(least likely – most likely)
26. Jonathan
Jonathan is super excited to show off his new shirt, which is part of the Modern Day Pilgrim line by Gap. (photo cred: abc.com)
From the goofy look on Jonathan’s face, he is just happy to be chosen and have his picture taken by ABC. In return, ABC is thankful that Jonathan sent in a casting video, because he helps them look less racist and helps them fill the ethnic quota, without having to worry about him lasting more than one episode.
But, just to be safe, and help make sure that JoJo doesn’t pick him to move into the pad, Jonathan wears his best Scottish Kilt to the opening night meet and greet booze fest. In case you need a visual….
(photo cred: abc.com)
Still happy as a pig in shit, Jonathan will never get a rose, and will leave the mansion without ever letting JoJo play with his bagpipes.
25. Sal
If Sal’s piercing blue eyes and forced smile don’t scream “what the hell am I doing here?, I don’t know what does. (photo cred: abc.com)
The Bachelor mansion is no place for the timid, and being meek and mild won’t get you past the first rose ceremony. The fact that the most outrageous thing 28 year old Sal has ever done is egg his gym teacher’s house in high school means that he is dead on arrival on premiere night. First of all, if you are still egging anything in high school, you need a complete and immediate revamping of your social life. And if 12 years later, it is still the most outrageous thing you have ever done, you are a complete and utter lost cause.
It actually makes me feel sad for the guy, so I will not make fun of him any further. And I definitely will not mention the fact that he looks like he is talking to the photographer through his teeth (the way a ventriloquist would) saying that if he doesn’t stop taking pictures and let him go to the bathroom, he is going to crap his pants.
24. Brandon
(photo credit: abc.com)
Brandon’s occupation is listed as a “Hipster.” It seems to me that Brandon may have chosen his profession before he knew that he could not grow a hipster beard. A “hipster” that is unable to grow proper facial hair is like a surfer dude unable to stick out his thumb and pinky at the same time, thus preventing them from being able to hang loose.
Prediction: the producers will squeeze every ounce of humor out of Brandon’s “occupation” and make him out to be the most stereotypical hipster in the universe. Then, once the producers have run out of hipster jokes, they will allow JoJo to unceremoniously dump him and send him back to Boulder, CO, or wherever the hell he is from.
23. Evan
Need help getting and keeping an erection? Call Evan, he can help! (photo credit: abc.com)
Evan is stunt casting in its purest form. Just when you think the franchise has found the most ridiculous occupations, here comes Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Expert. I have never met, seen, or even knew Erectile Dysfunction Experts existed, but if I had to envision what one looked like, I would literally envision Evan.
The combination of his hair, goatee, and creepy smile scream “call me if you need help with your erection.”
Prediction: JoJo will pretend she is intrigued by his occupation, but secretly be creeped the hell out, and he will be exiting the house before we get to know all of his keys to a healthy, functional erection.
22. Nick S
Nick S is feeling as confident as ever thanks to his neck bandana that he presumably spent hours rolling and re-rolling until reaching perfection. (photo credit: abc.com)
I do not care how much money you have, how funny you may be, how kind, caring and respectful you are, or how perfectly you can nail the I-don’t-want-to-smile-and-look-like-I-am-excited-but-deep-down-I-am-unbelievably-excited look, if you are a dude, and you roll up a bandana and wear it as some sort of necklace tie, you are the worst person ever.
On the off chance that Nick S doesn’t wear something equally ridiculous on the show, the fact that his greatest accomplishment to date is being an Eagle Scout, will be more than enough to send him packing right away. I pray to the Reality TV gods that he gets eliminated while wearing the bandana-necklace-tie, and then proceeds take it off, unroll it ever so gently, and use it to wipe the tears and snots from his face while being interviewed about what makes him so undesired.
21. Nick B
This is what Nick B looks like when he is not playing dress up. (photo credit: abc.com)
A memorable limo exit is becoming increasingly important on The Bachelorette. But, there is a very fine line between being memorable and charming, and being weird and creepy. According to their cast group photo, Nick B decides to dress up as Santa Claus to introduce himself to JoJo. JoJo may see this as comical and appreciate his humor. However, if he makes her sit on his lap, things could go from funny and silly to instant elimination real quick.
Nick B may have a chance if he ends up being just a funny guy that doesn’t take himself too seriously. But, if JoJo thinks he is there for the screen time, she may get rid of him before he ever gets to even Jo-Jo-Jold…… I mean, ho-ho-hold her hand.
Let me preface the article by first saying how much I love horse racing, and specifically the Triple Crown. I have physically attended all three triple crown events, (at least that’s what photographic evidence tells me) and I have been betting on the events every year for a solid 15 years. I have correctly predicted a tri-fecta, and the contacts on my phone are littered with Derby, Preakness, and Belmont descriptions to identify the people that I will likely never see or speak to again. Ex. “Kim Preakness”, “Jared Belmont Beer Line”, or “Ashley Hard Rock Louisville after Kentucky Derby.”
So, why am I writing an article about how much I dislike the “Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” you ask? The answer is quite simple: the stress. Very similar to why I hate NCAA’s March Madness tournament, the Kentucky Derby, as well as its sister races, stress me right the hell out. Nail biting finishes, confusion of who to root for, and taking wild guesses about things you have no business taking part in, are among the reasons why my two favorite sporting events of the year, are also the two I hate the most.
The following are the 7 reasons why I think the Kentucky Derby is the 2 Worst Minutes in Sports.*
*Disclaimer: this countdown will be told from the point of view of a tv-watching viewer, not an attendee at one of the races. That is a entirely different countdown all together.
7. Placing Your Bets
One of the most stressful parts about the Kentucky Derby is placing your bets. If you are like 99% of the rest of the country, you are not going to the Race Book every week and placing bets on the 37th race of the day on the Maywood Park horse track in Maywood Park, IL. It is more likely that you dabble in horse racing and maybe bet on the 3 big races each year.
Therefore, you may not yet be an expert on the proper etiquette of horse race betting. For those of you that have never placed a bet in person, imagine Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi teaming up with Philadelphia’s famous cheesesteak guys, Genos.
You need to remember to tell the cashier the track, the race number, the type of bet, the amount you want to wager, and the horse/horses that you want to lose your money on. Couple that with the fact that you are likely making multiple bets, and putting in bets for everyone and their mother because you stupidly mentioned that you were going to the Race Book, and you could be there all day. Nevermind the fact that the line behind you is drunk and becoming disorderly because you have 11 post-it-notes from co-workers, lists of the horses names, and your shaky hands are dropping handfuls of cash on the ground. I need a Xannax just thinking about it.
*On a side note: one thing I find utterly hilarious about this process is when the cashier says to me “make sure you check your tickets.” Umm, seeing as I blacked out 9 minutes ago when I first start talking to you lady, I do not have any idea what I said, what my tickets should look like, or how much money I should have paid. My response every time (after flipping through the tickets like a flip book where Mickey Mouse is jumping off a diving board) is “sureeeeeeee, looks amazing.”)
The following is an example of how carefully I “check my Kentucky Derby tickets” after I made the entire Race Book angry spending 11 minutes placing my bets.
6. When You Have No Idea Who to Root For
If you are anything like me and my friends, you can not just place one simple bet and then root for that horse to win. How boring is that? The following is my thought process when placing bets on the Derby. I need AT LEAST……
Win/Place/Show on a major underdog
Win/Place/Show on a front runner
Win/Place/Show on a horse with a funny name
Win/Place/Show on a horse that is named after beer or wine (optional, but there is almost always one of those.)
Win/Place Box Bet with a favorite and an underdog
Win/Place Box Bet with a favorite and the horse with my favorite funny name
Trifecta Box Bet with at least one favorite, one underdog and my favorite named horse
Trifecta Box Bet with the three horses with my favorite colors. Dark blue, light blue, and orange
Trifecta Box Bet with my three favorite numbers (excluding 21 because there are usually not 21 horses.) 3/5/18
Because I have so many bets going at the same time, I usually have no idea who to root for. I usually find myself yelling at the TV something like “ANYTHING BUT #7!!!!!)
More times than not, I will end up winning on one ticket, losing on the other 10 tickets, and my winning ticket covers less than half of the money I spent to buy the tickets. But, it all for charity, so it makes me feel good knowing that my money is being used to help others. It is for charity, right? Or is horse racing not a tax write-off?
5. Not Knowing What To Do With Your “Losing” Tickets
Sure you could just throw your losing tickets away, but are you SURE they are losing tickets? Because the tickets are basically written in morse code, I am never confident that the losing tickets are in fact losing tickets. Do I risk going back to the Race Book lady and ask her to double check all of my losing tickets, just to tell me I am more of a loser? Or do I trust everyone around me that I did, indeed, successfully manage to predict the wrong outcome 23 times.
4. What F*#%ING Horse is That?
Towards the end of the race, the cruel TV producers take the little numbers off the top of the horses’ heads and also take the placement of the horses off the bottom of your screen. This is when the entire room starts panicking and for some odd reason places their arms on top of their heads and just screams.
This can not be confirmed or denied, but rumor has it that this picture was taken at the very first Kentucky Derby. The photo was snapped at the exact second that the placement of the horses was taken off the bottom of the jumbo-tron screen. This fan is said to have died of stress related issues just moments after this photo was taken.
3. Yeah, but WHO CAME IN 3RD PLACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Of course the camera crew wants to make sure they get a close up of the winning horse crossing the finish line, with the second horse usually finishing just a nose behind. That is fantastic for all the viewers that correctly predicted one of those two horses to finish in 1st or 2nd. Good for you. BUT WHAT ABOUT MY TRIFECTA?
Sherlock Holmes himself could not be able to decipher which horse came in third place because about 2 seconds after the first horse finished a wall of blurry brown hair and colorful helmets comes whizzing across your screen like you are being launched through the twilight zone.
While others are celebrating, high-fiving, and ordering another round of mint juleps, you are staring at the screen and waiting with baited breathe to find out which horse came in third place.
5 minutes later the network will unceremoniously flash the rest of the results. This is when one of two things will happen…. You will realize that the horse you needed is still not finished with the race, or the horse you needed to come in third, did indeed, come in third. If the latter is the case, your delayed reaction will draw confusing stares from the rest of the crowd, wondering why you are only celebrating 6 minutes after the finish. But, you don’t care. YOU JUST WON THE TRI-FECTA! Congratulations! Now you get to buy the entire bar a drink, or look like the biggest, ungrateful prick that horse racing has ever seen.
2. Almost Per-tecta!
When your tri-fecta finishes in 1st place, 2nd place, and 4th place. And only because the horse with 150-1 odds has the race of his life, comes in 3rd place, and promptly needs to be euthanized post race because he has never run that fast in his life and can no longer use his legs.
1. You are SURE Your Underdog is Going To Win
You couldn’t design a more perfect horse for you. His odds are at a staggering 60-1. His jockey is wearing your favorite color of deep blue. You favorite number is draped over the horse and written in gold encrusted beer bottle caps. The horse’s name is not only hilarious, but you can already envision it in big letter in the headline announcing it to be the biggest upset in Kentucky Derby history.
You tell all your friends to put money on the 60-1 horse because you are sure he is going to win. You start calculating how much money you are going to make when he wins, and possibly even the potential that your local newspaper will want to do a quick little interview with you, asking why you were so confident that “Newly Tapped Keg” would win the race.
Then the race goes off. You are the only idiot screaming for “Newly Tapped Keg”, but you don’t care because in just two minutes you will be laughing in everyone’s face as you go up to the cashier to collect your jackpot.
Then, suddenly, as the horses begin to separate, you begin to notice a familiar color at the back of the pack. And sure as shit, it’s#5, that beautiful blue “Newly Tapped Keg” is in last place. But you do not panic. Surely he will come from behind, making his upset even more grandiose.
But, sadly, he doesn’t. In fact, you never even get a glimpse of “Newly Tapped Keg” again because he was so far behind the pack that he was out of camera view.
You instantly begin to wonder what on Earth you were thinking and wished you had listened to every single horse race commentator when they said that Mr. Ed had a better chance of winning the Kentucky Derby than “Newly Tapped Keg.
Enjoy the Derby everyone! And don’t second guess that underdog that you have been eyeing. I am sure he will do just wonderful.
