Author Archives: Ryan Jacobson

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Ranking the Ladies of The Bachelor 21 (Part 2)

It’s almost the new year and you know what that means… New Year’s resolutions that you will keep for approximately three days, gym memberships that you will pay for and never use, big balls in New York City, and even bigger balls in one very special mansion in Agoura Hills, California. This January, those big balls belong to the Bachelor 21 star, and Bachelor alum that everyone loves to hate…. or hates to love…. or hated but now loves: Nick Viall.

Viall is no stranger to finding love on television, as this is now the fourth dating show that his handsome mug has appeared on. He finished as the runner up in two seasons of The Bachelorette, and made it all the way to the finale in this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

While Viall is 36, the cast of ladies this season is littered with twenty-somethings, many of which are in their early twenties. Additionally, the cast of woman this year is by far the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise. If ABC can’t find a minority leading lady for next season’s The Bachelorette from this cast, they likely never will.

The following is a 100% SPOILER-FREE ranking of the thirty ladies in order of the least likely to most likely to win the heart of Nick, based ONLY on their ABC.com profile picture and short bio of ridiculous answers to even more ridiculous questions.

The Ladies of The Bachelor 21: I Need Some Nick In My Life

 

FOR PART 1, LADIES #30 – 21 CLICK HERE.

Continuing….

20. Christen

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Christen (abc.com)

 

Two things in particular jump out at me about Christen. The first is that she is a wedding videographer. That is a great job and all, but I can’t help but imagine she would be a bit of a Bridezilla. Now, speed up the process of getting engaged within about a month of meeting Nick, and I assume some of that Bridezilla would inevitably turn into a girlfriend-zilla; which Nick will certainly not tolerate.

Additionally, she gives about 7 cliches for why she would be a grapefruit if she had to be a fruit. They are fine and all, but she ends with “And you have to peel them back to get to the good stuff.” Christen, why can’t you just give me your good stuff? Why do I have to peel shitty stuff away first? Ain’t nobody got time to peel away your grapefruit skin when there are 29 other ladies that have already peeled off theirs: especially Nick Viall.

19. Michelle

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Michelle (abc.com)

 

 

On paper, Michelle seems like she is damn near perfect. She is pretty, has very well worded, thought out answers to the painfully ridiculous questions that ABC asked her, and at the age of 24, she owns her own food truck. She doesn’t just work on a food truck like some of the more awful contestants on Hell’s Kitchen, she owns that shit.

The thing about Michelle, however, is that she may not be able to stand out from the rest of the ladies and I fear she may be eliminated before Nick even has time to ask her what kind of houseplant she would be if she had to be a houseplant. Because I am pretty sure that she would have a perfect answer that would knock his socks off his presumably beautifully manicured feet.

18. Elizabeth

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Elizabeth (abc.com)

 

Strap in folks, we may have a crazy one on our hands. ABC pulled out the big guns when they reached into their bag of nonsensical questions for Elizabeth. The best:

Q: “Do you have any phobias that would prohibit participation in certain activities? (heights, claustrophobia, crowds, darkness, OCD, etc.)”

Elizabeth’s answer: “Claustrophobia and Misophonia – it’s a real thing. Look it up on Google!”

Look at that, Elizabeth is already bossing us around and making us look up shit on google rather than just telling us what the hell misophonia is. But fear not, I being the professional countdown expert that I am, took it upon myself to find out what asinine phobia Elizabeth thought would get her on the show. Her fear: Sound.

My prediction: ABC will make Nick keep Elizabeth until at least week two so he can take her on his first one-on-one to a Disneyland Fireworks Spectacular or something like that, where Nick will be a hero and cover her ears with his perfectly masculine, but not too masculine hands.

Then she will be shown the door in week three and will be terrified of her own sobbing while waiting for her limo to arrive.

17. Danielle L

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Danielle L (abc.com)

 

Danielle’s 3 favorite movies are The Notebook, Love Actually, and A Walk To Remember

Danielle’s favorite book of all time is The 5 Languages of Love! When asked why this is her favorite book, her response was “Discover yourself, your relationship needs. It’s beneficial in all relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers).”

While I have no doubt that Danielle L is on this reality show for “all the right reasons,” I fear that she may be a little too overbearing for Nick to handle. But on a positive note: if there are any sexy single dudes out there that want to cuddle up and have a nice little hyperventilating sob while watching the saddest movies of all time every night, Danielle L should be single in no time.

16. Olivia

Bachelor 21 Contestant, Olivia (abc.com)

 

It is down right astonishing that Olivia is still single as she has the most original way of approaching a man that she is interested in that I have ever heard in my life. So, are you ready to hear Olivia’s key steps to snagging that guy or girl of your dreams………

“It depends on the situation and where we are at, but I would try to make eye contact with him and smile. If he comes over to me, I would introduce myself.”

– Olivia, Bachelor 21 contestant

Well no shit Olivia. Even ABC isn’t stupid enough to think that you wouldn’t first look at the guy, second smile and third, tell the dude your name. All I know

is that I am praying to the reality TV gods that Olivia is one of the ladies that walks into the mansion and forgets to tell Nick her name. Stick to the plan, Olivia. Stick to the plan.

To be fair, if ABC walked up to me and asked me, “If you wanted to approach a woman you had never met before, how would you go about it?” I would be like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But I think even that would be a better answer than “look at them, smile, and say “hello, I’m Ryan” IF they came over to me.”

 

For ladies 15-11 Click here.

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Top 100 Songs of 2016 (Part 6) #50-41

FOR THE FIRST FIVE LISTS CLICK BELOW.

#100 – 91       #90-81     #80-71       #70-61       #60-51

50. “Singing In The Rain” – Simple Plan

Canadian rock band, Simple Plan released their 5th studio album this year titled Taking One For the Team. Their second single off the album, “Singing in the Rain” is a story of how no matter how shitty life may be, they will not let anything drag them down.

“I got a song in my heart and I’m bulletproof,
There’s nothing in the world that’s gonna kill this mood.
No matter what life wants to throw my way,
I’ll be singing, I’ll be singing in the rain.”

His car won’t start, his girlfriend broke up with him, a fortune-teller tells him that he is doomed, but he doesn’t care because there is a storm coming and he is going to sing in the rain and make the best of his awful, miserable life.

Whenever you are having a bad day, “Singing in the Rain” will help you realize that you need to man up, move on, and make the best of what you have.

49. “You Look Like I Need A Drink” – Justin Moore

One of the most clever breakup songs of the year is Justin Moore’s “You Look Like I Need A Drink.” It’s country, rock and pop all rolled into one incredibly fun song.

When his girlfriend walks into the house Moore can tell something is up, and has a feeling that he is about to be dumped. His response: “you look like I need a drink.” This will now be my go to phrase whenever I feel as though I am about to get bad news. Or good news. Or any news at all, I suppose.

 

48. “Soundcheck” – Catfish and the Bottlemen

“Soundcheck” is the first single off Catfish and the Bottlemen’s second studio album, The Ride. It is a tale of the lead singer of a band being so in love that he rushes through his soundcheck just to be able to catch his girl on her fag break. Needless to say, Catfish and the Bottlemen are Welsh.

“And I raced through soundcheck
Just to meet you on your fag break
And you convinced me
To put life aside and want you.”

The song is pure rock with a catchy melody and fist-pumping chorus, which makes it one of, if not the best Catfish and the Bottlemen song to date.

47. “Peace Of Mind” – The Killers

“Peace of Mind” was recorded ten years ago when The Killers released Sam’s Town, which in my opinion is the greatest album of all time, and many believe to be the most underrated album of the decade. But, then again, I am very Killers biased as they are my favorite band.

“Peace of Mind” never made the album, but when the band re-released the album for the ten-year anniversary, they included the bonus track of “Peace of Mind.” And of course it is, like everything else The Killers do, perfect.

46. “Figuring It Out” – SWMRS

SWMRS formed after drummer Joey Armstrong (son of Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong) and lead singer Cole Becker watched the movie School Of Rock together in school.

“Figuring It Out” is one of the most infectious songs of the year, and by the second or third time you listen to it, you will be singing along. The song is punk rock meets rock and roll, with a dabble of very tolerable pop. It is anthemic and meant to be played as loud as your radio (or iPhone) can go.

The band may be young, but it sure seems like they are figuring out this whole music thing with ease. Expect to hear much more from SWMRS in the coming years.

45. “Parlor” – Nathaniel Rateliff and the Nightsweats

Nathaniel Rateliff and the Nightsweats could sing about boiling water and make it into one of the most addictive songs of the year. Case in point, “Parlor” is insanely fun and begs for you to get up and dance. You won’t care what Rateliff is saying, nor what the song is about because you will be too busy pushing loved ones aside as you make your way to the dance floor if you ever get invited to another wedding in your life.

44. “Life Itself” – Glass Animals

Glass Animals had a huge year in 2016 thanks to their breakout hit, “Life Itself.” The band told Variance magazine back in May that the song was about “a “guy who was born a bit strange, and struggles to become part of society. Because of that, he spends more time alone in his own head, getting stranger, and it becomes an awful cycle of doom.”

I can’t get a job so I live with my mom/I take her money but not quite enough/I sit in the car and I listen to static/She said I look fat but I look fantastic

Yikes! That sounds way more depressing that one would assume based on how fun and catchy the song is. So next time you have a huge smile on your face while bee- bopping around to this infectious track, remember the sad story of what it is about and have some decency, you insensitive jerk.

 

43. “Not Easy” – Alex Da Kid

Alex Da Kid may be a newcomer in terms of being known as a solo artist, but he has produced many hit songs for some of the biggest names in music. The 34-year-old out of England has produced massive hits for artists like Dr Dre, Enimem and Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and Imagine Dragons, just to name a few.

“Not Easy,” released just a few weeks ago, is about to take the world by storm and will surely be one of the biggest hits of 2017. It is about breaking the heart of someone you love and feeling awful about it. Alex Da Kid is about to be a household name, and “Not Easy” will put him on the map as the solo artist that all others will strive to be.

42. Glitter & Gold – Barns Courtney

Much like “Fire,” Barns Courtney’s other song that made this year’s countdown, “Glitter and Gold” is about overcoming rejection and not giving up on your dreams. Whatever Courtney did to help him get over his rejection from a record label worked because 2016 was his biggest year yet with two radio hits that are equally enjoyable.

It may sound terrible, but let’s all hope that Barns Courtney gets rejected more often so he can reward us with more incredible music in the new year. No offense Barns.

41. “The Driver” – Charles Kelley feat. Dierks Bentley

“The Driver” is far and away this years best song with the use of multiple perspectives. The song tells the insanely beautiful story about a musicians life on the road.

Stage 1 is from the perspective of the driver of the equipment.

“I’m the driver, bringing their circus to town
First one in and the last rolling out, shutting down
The up all-nighter, all the stars and sunrises I’ve seen
Every corn field and town in between
West to east”

Stage 2 is from the perspective of the “dreamer.” The fans that attend the shows and wait for hours to get in the first row.

“I’m the dreamer, soaking up every line
Searching for truth all the time, oh yeah
The believer, that music can save a soul
The one who’s at every show in the front row, singin'”

And the final stage is the perspective of the singer. The star of the show that used to be exactly where the dreamers are standing.

“I’m the singer, pouring out all that I had
Every love song and heart break gone bad
And looking back, when I was younger
Sitting right there where you are
Sending a prayer to the highest star
And here we are”

The song is all tied together with a chorus so beautiful that it will send chills down your spine. Charles Kelley (with the help of Dierks Bentley and Eric Paslay) hit the ball out of the park on this track, making it one of the best country songs of the year that even a rock and roll guy will appreciate.

Top 40 coming this week!

Top 40 coming this week!

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Top 100 Songs of 2016 (Part 5) #60-51

FOR THE FIRST FOUR LISTS CLICK BELOW.

#100 – 91       #90-81     #80-71       #70-61


 

60. “Spinning” – Grouplove

“Spinning,” off Grouplove’s third studio album, Big Mess is “kind of like a push and pull dialogue. It’s a song about overcoming struggle” the band told iHeartRadio. Grouplove has used male-female back and forth storytelling previously, but have perfected the art with “Spinning.”

“Say here I stand
I was broken, now I’m brave
Say here I am
Found my colours in the grey”

The songs relatable lyrics combined with beautiful vocals help solidify Grouplove’s place in modern mainstream rock.

59. “East Coast Girl” – Butch Walker

From spoken verses to a fist-pumping chorus, “East Coast Girl” is arguably the best track yet from what Rolling Stone magazine calls “one of America’s Best Singer-Songwriters,” Butch Walker.

Butch Walker is one of the music industries hardest working men, as he not only performs and produces his own music, but has written/produced hit after hit for some of the biggest names in the industry.

“East Coast Girl” is a story about Walker’s move to LA and the inevitability of getting older. Walker told Rolling Stone…

“I don’t know if there is a category for people that write songs [about midlife crisis] but i’ll probably be the spokesperson for helping guys get through their mid-life.”

Walker, lead singer of the 90’s band Marvelous 3, which produced the massive hit, “Flavor of the Week,” has proven time and time again that he is anything but the flavor of the week, and one of the most talented all-around musicians of the time.

58. “Lemonade” – Adam Friedman (feat. Mike Posner)

Co-written with Mike Posner, “Lemonade,” by Adam Friedman is about the search for love and the hope that there is still somebody for you out there.

“California, you’re my last hope/Give me someone I can take home/And, I don’t how much longer that I can wait/So make her 5’5″, big brown eyes and sweet like lemonade” sings Friedman as he desperately pleads with the universe to help him in his search for love.

Released around the same time as Beyonce’s hit album, Lemonade, Friedman welcomed the attention with open arms as he told People’s Choice, “It’s actually kind of nice because Lemonade was trending on Twitter. If one person discovered [my version of “Lemonade”] because they were looking for Lemonade by Beyoncé, and they happened to stumble upon it, I think that’s a win for us.”

And just like lemonade the song is fun, addicting, and meant to be enjoyed while kicking back and relaxing.

57. “Woman Woman” – AWOLNATION

Front-runner for video of the year, “Woman Woman” by AWOLNATION is about being comfortable in your own skin, man or woman. The video is simple, but genius. It shows a group of fully naked woman of all shapes, sizes, ages, and ethnicities singing along with the song and preforming it as a band.

If you can watch this video and not want to rock out along with the ladies, you better check your pulse. Because you are probably dead.

56. “Everybody We Know Does” – Chase Rice

Whether or not you consider yourself a fan of country music, “Everybody We Know Does,” by Chase Rice is an anthem for anyone that considers themselves a hard worker. Simply put, it is a song about working hard and playing even harder.

Fun fact: In the seven years of “Top Songs of the Year,” Chase Rice has more songs included than any other artist. “Everybody We Know Does” is Rice’s tenth song in seven years to make the cut on a very rock heavy countdown.

Regarding this song in particular, I am not sure if “everybody I knows does” like it, but I know for damn sure that everybody I know should.

55. “Move” – Saint Motel

The best use of horns this year goes to the first track off of Saint Motel’s latest album, saintmotelevision, “Move.”

With a dynamic dance pop beat and an impossible to not sing along with chorus, “Move” is one of the most contagious songs of 2016. The only drawback is that I already hear “got to get up/got to get up/MOVE” about 9 times a day from my Fitbit telling me how inactive I am. I don’t need to be scolded by my music too.

54. “Sweet Disaster” – DREAMERS

“Sweet Disaster” by DREAMERS is presumably about the feeling you get when you know you are heading into a wild and crazy night. “Sweet Disaster” is a must-have on any playlist for bachelor or bachelorette parties heading to NYC or Vegas for the weekend.

“And so it goes/ we found our sweet disaster/ In a river of champagne/ Swimmin’ through the morning after/ We float away.”

2016 was anything but a sweet disaster for “Dreamers” as they are continuing to make a name for themselves in the alt rock world.

53. “Waste A Moment” – Kings Of Leon

What I would personally say is easily their best track in years, Kings of Leon’s “Waste a Moment” is proof that the band still has what it takes to produce radio hits and killer rock tracks.

The band told EW back in August that they are “in the best place they’ve ever been.” On the first track off their seventh studio album, Walls,  the band begs listeners to step away from the daily grind and enjoy life, or as they call it, “waste a moment.”

Hopefully now that the band is in the “best place they have ever been” they will not waste a single moment to get back in the studio and work on creating more gems like this track.

52. “Nothing Personal” – Night Riots

This song rocks. Hard. That’s all I have to say about that. Sorry, Night Riots. Nothing personal.

51. “All We Ever Knew” – The Head and the Heart

“All We Ever Knew” is folk-rock band The Head and the Heart’s biggest radio hit to date and their highest charting single so far. The song is about trying your hardest to mend a relationship that you know isn’t going to work out.

The band told radio.com that “Everyone’s gone through a relationship where things didn’t work out… you try it again and it doesn’t work out. “That feeling of ‘Why are we doing this to ourselves? We know it’s not going to work out. We’ve tried it before. Just let it go.”

The Head and the Heart have secured themselves as leaders in modern day American folk-rock, and with their success of “All We Ever Knew,” they are only further distancing themselves from the rest.

For #50-41 Click here.